The Aggravation
by Ardna
Summary: Loki gets a new pet. Things go awry.
1. Deepest Regret

**The Author has but one warning for ye, Reader:** and that is _crack_. Yes, I can write it. Who'da thunk?

**i.**

It was a brilliant idea. Loki wasn't sure why he hadn't thought of it before. He had noticed the Midgardian creatures called cats before, wondered briefly whether or not they were intelligent, and then ignored them.

Not anymore. He had realized the massive cleverness of the creatures—even if they _were_ of Midgardian origin—and decided that one would make a companion suitable for his purposes. Of course, he wouldn't settle for a mere Midgardian cat, he wanted something a little more special.

And he had found it. This cat was stronger and sleeker than Midgardian cats, with a markedly intelligent face and a pair of watchful eyes. Also, its fur was a very dark green, the same as Loki's cloak. It matched him perfectly. The only thing he had trouble with were the eyes, which seemed to be constantly warping between colors.

How had Loki gotten himself a cat? Well, he had managed to persuade Thor, and the Asgardian had unwittingly given Loki a tool of havoc. There wouldn't be a deed regretted more.

Loki set his new pet down on the balcony steps in his chambers, stroking its smooth green fur, so dark it was almost shining.

"You are _mine_," he purred.

The cat's eyes solidified, maintaining an icy blue identical to Loki's. It looked over at him, its expression bored.

"_Thor neglected to inform me that I was hooking up with a diva,"_ a dry voice said in the Trickster God's head.

Loki blinked. "What?"

**ii.**

Thor entered Loki's prison chambers, thinking it was time he visited his errant brother.

"Thor!" Loki cried. "Thank whatever deity that is more powerful than us that you've come!"

"Uh, that might be the 'God' person Captain Rogers refers to," Thor said, puzzled by Loki's frantic greeting. His little brother's appearance was disheveled, and Thor was fairly certain that he could smell smoke. "What is the problem?"

"The—_problem?_" Loki hissed disbelievingly. "The _problem_, my _dear_ Thor, is the pet you gave me!"

"Oh, the cat?" Thor asked.

"YES! The CAT! The #&!)$)!$)&%!_!_*&$^&!#$$ CAT!"

Thor blinked at him. "I didn't know we had a curseword that long," he said.

"We do now," Loki growled.

"I'm pretty sure that was all just made up."

"Shut up, Thor. Just shut up."

"What's wrong with the cat?" Thor wondered. He gestured to it, sitting demurely in front of one of the various pillars in the room. "I thought it was a rather nice choice—he even matches your outfit."

"Thor, his tone, his attitude—it's as though that accursed Tony Stark has moved into my brain!"

The cat blinked mellowly and licked its paw, beginning its oft-repeated cleaning ritual.

Then Thor noticed the scorch marks. "Loki, where did you get explosives?" he demanded.

"Who _cares_ where I got them, the point is that I have used them all up trying to kill the cat!" Loki wailed. "Nothing has worked! Nothing! This cat is invincible!"

"Not invincible, just durable," Thor replied. "I thought that due to your longevity, you would appreciate a companion with a lifespan that matches."

"You mean… one that…" Loki slowly turned and stared at the cat. "…doesn't end," he whimpered.

"Yes, and the marvel with these cats is that they are even tougher than Asgardians are! Extraordinary, isn't it?"

"Yes," Loki mumbled. "Extraordinary." He winced, as though someone unheard had said something that caused him pain.

He pointed a finger at the cat, his eyes narrowed in a venomous glare. "I will kill you," he swore.

The cat, Thor was certain, smirked in reply.

**iii.**

Thor jerked to a halt. Loki's new cat was fully encased in a block of ice. Loki stood in front of it, watching it with a patient smile.

"Loki…" Thor said slowly. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for the cat to suffocate," Loki replied cheerfully.

"I see." He looked at the cat, suspended in the air by four feet of ice below it, then over at Loki. "So how's that going?"

Loki's smile waned. "He hasn't stopped snarking yet."

**iv.**

"_So, Goldiloki,"_ the cat said one day.

Loki glared at it. "My name is Loki," he growled.

"_Goldilocki's more fun to think,"_ the cat responded.

"I am not golden."

"_You are whenever you put that fancy space-lightning rod on your head."_

Loki's mouth dropped open. "It's not a—have you no respect for ceremonial dress? For battle armor?"

"_Nuh-uh. You Asgardians do have a penchant for looking primitively ridiculous."_ The cat yawned, its startlingly pink tongue curling into its mouth. _"Oh well. I suppose _something's_ got to keep me entertained. Got to hand it to you though, Goldiloki, you certainly provide a lot in that department. Melodramatic and all, you know."_

"Do you have any idea how stupid you sound whenever you call me that?"

"_Do you have any idea how stupid you look when you put that helmet on?"_

Loki scowled at his cat. "Right, that's it," he said, standing up abruptly.

"_What are you going to do, toss me down The Destroyer's throat again?" _The cat yawned a second time, tail lazily stroking the floor. _"That didn't exactly work last time."_

"Nope," said Loki. He walked around behind the cat and kicked it, sending it sailing out the window.

"_You know this can't possibly work,"_ the cat pointed out as it gained altitude.

"No, but it still makes me feel better!" Loki shouted back. A passing Asgardian gave him a funny look. Loki made a snake appear in her hair, and cackled in satisfaction at the scream that resulted.

**v.**

"Thor, are you sure it was a good idea to let Loki run free through Asgard?" Odin asked doubtfully. "He's dangerous."

"Oh, we have nothing to worry about, Father," Thor assured him, unsuccessfully restraining a chuckle. "As long as he's kept busy trying to kill his cat, he won't be able to focus on cosmic domination."

"Thor, you're a genius!" Fandral cried.

* * *

_Author's Note:_ So, um, this is total crack. A thing that latched itself onto my brain and refused to let go. Even more so than Stalken Moffat and Mark'd Gatiss, or even the four Raptors—Tom, Ben, Bobby and Raptor.

Yes, this was one of those obscure, crack!ficcy ideas that simply would not settle for merely existing in my mind, or even being an inside joke between me and members of my family. No, this crack was determined to be _known._

Well, it is Loki, after all.


	2. To Kill a Kitty

**vi.**

Loki's muscles quivered with strain. Planting his feet again, he pulled the rope gripped in his hands further back, lifting the gigantic anvil outside by another few feet. Just a little more, and he would have his desired 1000ft. of distance from the ground—and the sarcastic green cat sitting in the middle of the target painted there.

"_So, since The Destroyer couldn't fry me, you're going to squash me instead?" _the cat asked. _"That's clever."_

Clearly that flattering remark wasn't sincere. Loki didn't honor the rude animal with a response (the cat wouldn't have been able to hear him, anyway) and continued to pull.

One thousand feet. Perfect. With a relieved grin Loki released the rope, and the piano-sized anvil went plummeting down.

Loki laughed, his face alight with maniacal glee, then rushed down the stairs to view his handiwork.

Yes, yes… the anvil was totally flat against the surface, not an nth higher than it should be.

"…_breathing with two-dimensional lungs. Well, you try something new every day."_

Loki groaned and hit his head against the anvil. His fingers came up to massage the already bruising point of contact.

**vii.**

Thor and Volstagg were heading down a wide corridor, laughing boisterously as they reminisced about old times. Loki was coming from the opposite direction, accompanied by his elegant green cat.

Suddenly Loki whirled around and shrieked at the cat, "No, no, I am _not_ a sorry excuse for a—!" He stopped abruptly, as though interrupted, and Loki turned blue with fury. "You take that back!" Another pause. "Oh, you won't, eh? We'll see about that!" And he promptly attacked his cat.

Volstagg and Thor watched, both thinking this was the strangest of strange things they had seen in Asgard's halls. Loki, called by some the cleverest of all Asgardians, brawling with a cat nearly a tenth his size.

Volstagg elbowed Thor. "Should we intervene?" he asked.

Thor slowly shook his head. "I don't think that would be wise, Volstagg. And Loki would only resent us for coming to his aid. Besides, I believe it is time he learned a much-needed lesson."

"What lesson is that?" Volstagg inquired. "If it is that he is not the rightful king of all the Nine Realms, I doubt even you will get anywhere in this thousand years. And how can the cat enable him to learn?"

"No, Volstagg, I do not speak of that particular lesson," Thor smiled. "The lesson Loki needs to learn right now is that he can't win."

Volstagg looked at Thor, then at Loki and the cat. They were still going at it. Despite the massive size differences—and the fact that they looked painfully ridiculous—they were attacking each other pretty fiercely.

Volstagg shook his head. "Somehow, Thor, I think that lesson will take much longer than the other one." He chuckled when Loki somehow ended up with a mouthful of tail and indignantly spat the appendage out.

Thor realized too late that he was laughing. "We probably shouldn't be enjoying ourselves at poor Loki's expense, Volstagg," he said.

"Poor Loki? I'd say he's brought this on himself!" Volstagg snickered again.

Loki flipped onto his back and flung the cat into the air. It came shrieking back down, claws extended. Loki yelped as the now-prickly ball of fur collided with his body. The scrap lasted a few minutes longer before winding down to a close, Loki by all appearances having gotten the worst of it. The cat was missing some of its fur, however, and it looked quite miserable about that.

Loki glared across at it, then offered a hand. "Truce?"

"_Truce?"_ the cat repeated. _"What are you talking about, Asgardian? I won."_

Loki's eyes narrowed further still. "Are you so certain of that?"

Volstagg leaned towards Thor's ear. "Here we go again," he whispered. "What did I tell you, Thor? This lesson's going to be harder than the last. Loki doesn't accept that he can't win."

Thor shook his head, a slightly proud smile on his face. "I suppose he never will."

**viii.**

**BOOM!**

Thor nearly flew right up through the ceiling, and it wasn't even with Mjolnir's assistance. "What was that?" he demanded in alarm, taking up his hammer and seeking out the source of the noise.

**BOOM!**

Louder this time, and Thor had barely moved from his original location. He paused a moment, trying to pinpoint the direction he had heard the noise coming from, and obligingly the terrific sound returned again.

**BOOM!**

It sounded like a great whip or a mighty gunshot. And it was coming from right above his head. Now that Thor was thinking a little clearer, he was able to place the mysterious sound. Really, he ought to have recognized it before.

Thunder.

Most often one heard thunder as a powerful rumbling, but the truth of it was that the rumbles came as a result of distance. Right there, amongst the clashing clouds, thunder was a terrific clap, not a slow growl.

But Asgard was no victim to unexpected weather. The only thing that could cause this was technology, and while Thor wasn't certain of the purpose he knew there could only be one person behind it: Loki.

"Thor, you need to come see this!" Fandral exclaimed before nearly running straight into Thor's chest. The other Asgardian's expression was one of disbelief strongly mixed with alarm.

"What has Loki done, Fandral?" Thor asked.

Fandral shook his head. "I can't describe this one, actually. All I know is that he has summoned the power of lightning to his aid."

Thor sighed and grimly followed Fandral's lead. Who knew what terrible mischief Loki might have planned this time.

Thor stared around incredulously when he entered Loki's chambers. The area had been completely transformed, looking much like Jane's cluttered laboratory down on Midgard, stacks of paper and equipment practically spilling off the edges of erected tables. What there seemed to be no end of was cables. Lots and lots and lots of cables. They all seemed to be feeding into the back of a mysterious pod, shut inside of which was…

Of course. The cat. Thor should have known this would be another attempt on the poor creature's life.

"Loki, when are you going to accept that he just can't be killed?" he asked.

Loki glared at him. "Where there is a will, there is a way, Thor," he said.

"_And let me guess, you've got plenty of will."_

Loki pointed at the pod's furry occupant. "You silence yourself."

Thor's brow furrowed. "What did he say?"

"Never you mind." Loki went over to a switchboard of massive proportions. "Today I get my revenge on that rotten animal at last!"

"Loki, don't!" Thor cried, realizing with horror that Loki intended to fry the cat. Thunder boomed outside.

"Too late!" Loki cired, slamming down a large lever and lighting up the room.

The lightning-powered cables crackled with fearsome power, sending wave after wave of electricity into the small pod. It went on until each of the half foot-thick cables incinerated themselves and the chaotic weather outside vanished into nothing.

It was all in vain, of course. The cat only complained that it didn't have a particular fondness for tickles. Thor had never before seen Loki rip out fistfuls of hair before. Thank goodness it was only extensions.

**ix.**

Loki ran past, cackling as he carried his long green cat by the scruff of its neck. He dodged around dozens of puzzled Asgardians, Thor and Odin last of all, and ran out onto the balcony atop Asgard's highest tower, flinging his cat over the edge with a joyous cry.

Thor found it extremely disturbing that someone could be so happy they were killing their pet.

Loki peered over the edge of the balcony, bouncing on his toes as he waited impatiently, an expression of glee and relief on his face. Then it twisted in horror and he let out a despairing wail.

Evidently the cat was fine.

**x.**

Loki paced in his quarters, hands clasped behind his back and his brow furrowed in frustrated knot.

"_Oh, I know that look,"_ the cat remarked. _"You're trying to think of a new way to kill me. Can't wait to see what you've cooked up this time."_

Loki stopped pacing and stared at the cat. "That's a brilliant idea," he stated. "I shall boil you alive."

"_Alive being the appropriate word," _the cat replied. _"Like a little hot water will do what a giant anvil won't."_

Loki wandered off, muttering something about spices and tomatoes.

"_Gonna set up some grilled cheese sandwiches to go with that?"_ the cat asked.

Loki stopped and stared at him. "What?"

"_Grilled cheese sandwiches. Midgardians have a preference for eating them with tomato soup. You _were_ planning on cooking me in a tomato soup, right?"_ The cat yawned, something he did with annoying frequency. Nothing seemed to excite the creature. _"Good thing I like the taste of tomatoes. Maybe it'll help rejuvenate my skin or something."_

"Not if you're dead," Loki growled.

"_Well, keep on dreaming, Frost Midget."_

Loki stalked off in search of a pot. The cat calmly went out onto the balcony to sun itself.

* * *

_Author's Note:_ Oh no, she wrote more of this? *double checks* Yes, she did. Oy vey.

I was thinking of Wile E. Coyote some of the time I was writing this. Maybe that's where the anvil came in. The picture in my head is one the size of a piano. Do any of you remember the Wile E. Coyote cartoon with the piano, where he finishes by playing a dirge on his piano-key teeth? That's the piano I'm thinking of.

I don't know if this is funny to any of you. Writing it down isn't quite so much fun as acting it out for my siblings. When my little brother gets going, it sounds like he's breathing giggles. Sometimes he just ends up on the floor helplessly laughing. Usually these silly flights of fancy don't ever see the light of the Internet. Loki and the cat are a very rare exception.

I'm hoping to sometime put up pieces with more conversation between Loki and the cat. He isn't always trying to kill it, you know. Gods need their rest. When those times roll around, they start verbally sparring. I've hinted at that some, but I think I can do more. *shrug* Well, we'll see how it goes.

Out of all these, I'd have to say that number nine is my favorite. I know it's the shortest, and there's no dialogue at all, but the mental video that plays in my head every time I read it makes me laugh so hard.


	3. Mornings are Chilly in Asgard

**xi.**

Loki was awakened by the cat landing at the foot of his bed. He jerked, face going through twitchy spasms as he attempted to jumpstart himself awake, and once that was achieved he shot a bleary glare toward the offensive creature.

"Do you _mind_?" he growled.

"_It's cold out here,"_ the cat said by way of explanation.

"You have fur, deal with it," Loki grumbled unsympathetically, poking his long nose back underneath the blankets.

"_Oh, you're so heartwarming,"_ the cat said sarcastically. _"But, gee, that doesn't do much for my paws."_

"Too bad for you," Loki replied, not caring one bit. "Now go away."

The cat instead began walking up Loki's bed, each paw placed with irksome deliberateness.

"What are you doing?" Loki cried.

"_It's warm under here, I can tell,"_ the cat said.

"No, no!" Loki exclaimed, tugging the blankets closer protectively. "I am not sharing my bed with a cat! This is _my_ bed! You're a _cat_, and I hate you besides!"

The cat continued its walk up toward Loki's head, calmly evading the Asgardian's flailing limbs. Finally Loki got in a lucky shot (he preferred to think of it as skilled) and the cat went flying off. With a satisfied nod, Loki snuggled back beneath his blankets.

He jerked upright when the cat returned and began to attempt to climb underneath the blankets via the part hanging off the side.

"You again!" Loki said. "What are you doing this time?"

"_It is cold out here and it is warm under your blankets," _the cat replied, sounding equally impatient and sarcastic. _"What do you think I'm doing?"_

"This. Is. My. Bed!" Loki stated. "And I absolutely, wholly, and entirely refuse to share it with you!"

"_Quit behaving like such a infant,"_ the cat said scornfully. _"Are you afraid of getting fur on your blankets? Kind of pointless, considering most of them are furs anyway."_

"My. Bed," Loki said resolutely. "Not. Sharing." He pointed commandingly at the cat. "Now get out."

The cat instead jumped up on the bed and was poking its head under the blankets almost faster than Loki could blink. _"Ah-ha! I _knew_ it was warm under here!"_

Loki squeaked in surprise. "Get out!" he cried indignantly.

The cat burrowed in deeper, the front end of its body disappearing under the blankets. _"Nope,"_ it said cheekily.

"I'm not sharing my bed with you!" Loki exclaimed.

"_Then get out."_

Loki huffed and scowled at the cat, who of course could not see because its head was enveloped in Loki's blankets. Stiff with righteous offense, Loki swept his blankets aside and jumped out of bed.

He yelped, and his feet did their honest best to permanently remove themselves from the floor.

"It's cold!"

"_You're a Frost Giant,"_ the cat said unsympathetically. _"Deal with it."_

The cat burrowed underneath the blankets until only its long green tail could be seen. _"Ooh, it's like a cave in here."_

Loki snarled at the cat and hopped off in search of his boots. Unfortunately, in the wee hours of Asgardian morning, the interior of leather objects are just about as cold as the floor.

**xii.**

Loki didn't fall asleep until the latest hours of the evening. Anticipation of the cat's next move, and his prepared response, had kept him awake.

It seemed that Loki had barely gotten a chance to relax into his slumber when he heard the distinctive sizzle-pop of an energy field being struck.

He sat upright with a cackle on his lips. "Ha! I fooled you!" he crowed triumphantly at the cat.

The cat glared sullenly up at him, then sat down and calmly began smoothing its inflated fur. _"You didn't think that force field would be enough to actually hurt me, did you?"_ it asked.

Loki had hoped, a little, but he refused to let that spoil his victory.

"Nevertheless, I have won!" he declared proudly. "In the end, I always—"

He gestured widely with his arm, and every hair on his head shot upright as his suddenly shocked muscles spasmed.

The cat watched him, its lip twitching upward in a smirk.

"_Obviously,"_ it said.

Loki whimpered.

**xiii.**

Loki hated the fact that the cat could sneak up on him. Really really hated it. It wasn't so bad when he was awake, because then he could hear its pawsteps approach, and even on those rare occasions that he didn't, the cat announced its arrival with an indifferent remark.

When he was asleep, however, that was a completely different story. If anyone else tried to sneak up on Loki while he was resting, they were treated to instant failure and maybe a clever prank in return. It had been a source of great frustration for Thor.

But the cat, hard to locate when Loki was awake, was impossible to prepare for when Loki was asleep.

And unfortunately for Loki, the cat knew it as well as he did.

"_Good moooooorning, moonshine!"_ the cat greeted him with cursable cheeriness as its paws landed squarely on Loki's chest.

Loki jerked into consciousness, eyes flaring with panic. The cat's lips were parted in a pointy-toothed grin that was pure evil. Loki's head thudded back against his pillow.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he groaned. "You never used to bother me in the mornings."

The cat maintained its smirk of devilish amusement. _"You're more fun to bother when you want to be asleep,"_ it told Loki, and to the Trickster God's frustration a purr rumbled in the cat's throat.

Loki gave the cat the best venomous glare he could. "And I may take from your use of the word 'fun' that you're not planning to cease this sadistic torture anytime soon," he said sourly.

The cat settled more comfortably on Loki's chest, tail tip twitching in amusement. _"Certainly not,"_ it said.

Loki sighed, closing his eyes. Right now he wasn't awake enough to engage the cat in a battle of force or wits. A paw shot out and smudged against his face.

"_Hey, you can't sleep yet,"_ the cat protested. _"You just woke up!"_

Loki scowled, refusing to open his eyes. "You're evil," he said. "Absolute, total evil."

"_Ah well, it takes one to know one,"_ the cat remarked, setting its head down on its paws.

Loki ventured to lift his lids. He found the cat smirking at him. With a groan he closed them again.

**xiv.**

Loki had sacrificed sleep last night. Maintainable illusions required consciousness, and for what he was about to do he didn't want to give a hint.

Just within Loki's view was his bed, and as far as anyone else knew, him asleep in it. In truth, Loki's bed had been moved behind where he stood now. Both were hidden by Loki's uncanny ability.

Ah. There it was: the cat.

It entered the room, sashaying along with a confidence that grated on Loki's nerves. Well, he could comfort himself with the knowledge of what was to come. The cat paused in its approach, blinking its pale blue eyes up at where it assumed Loki's bed to be. It leaned back on its hind legs, gauged the distance, and sprang.

The cat released a startled meow and a matching _"Odin's scrub—!"_ when the bed and Loki disappeared and it landed hard on its paws. Loki laughed.

"You're such an idiot!" he guffawed.

"_Am I?"_

Loki spun around and blinked in shock at the cat, settled cozily in his pillow.

"H-how?" he stammered. "But you were just—"

"_Sh, Loki,"_ the cat said. _"Thinking puts your mind under far too much strain."_

Loki blinked stupidly at the cat, hand still pointing at where it had been mere seconds ago. He then realized what he was doing, and how amusing it must be to the cat, and fixed the mammal with a fierce glare.

The cat wasn't exactly intimidated.

**xv.**

Loki refused to think of the figure he cut right now. The God of Mischief and Lies chasing, dodging, and blocking a green cat in his own bedroom. The vile creature's goal, of course, was Loki's much-desired bed. They had been doing uncontroversial and indirect battle for hours now, who knew how many.

The cat shifted its weight from one side of its body to the other, debating which direction to take. Loki shifted his own position to match the cat's, watching the sly animal warily. The Asgardian was standing on the end of his bed, though he frequently moved to prevent the cat from coming in from other angles.

His battle armor might have been more impressive if he hadn't been barefoot and dueling with a green cat in his bedroom.

Another round of verbal and physical battle was about to start when Thor staggered in.

"Thor?" Loki blinked at his brother. "What are you doing in here?"

"Finding a solution," Thor said tiredly.

Loki smiled brightly. "You found a way to kill the cat?"

"_I'm pretty sure if someone were to figure out how to bring about my demise, it wouldn't be Thor here,"_ the cat pointed out.

Thor glared at them, even without knowing what the cat had just said. Could it be that Thor was becoming intuitive? Odin forbid.

"Should I know something like that, Loki, you would not be the person I'd tell," Thor said.

"_Provided of course that you could actually learn something like that,"_ the cat quipped. _"Or obtain information at all."_

How pleasant. The cat was mocking someone other than Loki for a change.

"Loki, have you any concept of how much sleep this latest quarrel between you and your cat—"

"His_ cat?"_

"—has cost us?"

"_I am not the diva's cat, thank you very much."_

Loki's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "_I'm_ the one he's been waking up!"

"_You forgot to mention how much I enjoy it,"_ the cat added.

"Loki, your clashes have been waking all of us up!" Thor cried. "Do you have any idea how cranky Sif is when she hasn't had enough sleep?"

"I was under the impression she was always cranky," Loki remarked.

"_No, that's just when you're around,"_ the cat told Loki. He glared at it.

"Have you no understanding of silence?" he demanded.

"_Well, considering I converse lengthily without making a sound, I would say yes."_

Oh yeah. Loki had walked right into that one.

"Loki, please!" Thor said desperately. "I haven't slept in weeks!"

"Welcome to my world," Loki muttered.

"_I don't see why you're too proud to take naps. Odin does, so why not the rest of you?"_

It did make a point. Loki would have to look into that later. Right now there was the issue of the decidedly stressed Thor to deal with.

"Loki, be serious," Thor said. "What is this latest conflict about, anyway?" He gave Loki a puzzled look. "And why are you wearing your ceremonial battle armor to bed?"

"_I was wondering about that myself,"_ the cat admitted.

"For the second, that is none of your business, Thor. For the first, this creature has been trying to get into my bed, which I am far above sharing with such an animal—"

"_Mornings are cold here!" _the cat complained. _"What is it with all these open terraces and balconies? You have a mountain range for a fence and an ocean as a front yard! Really, you guys need to hire better landscapers."_

Loki sneered at it heartlessly. "You deserve to suffer," he said with conviction.

Thor shook his head. "That's it?" he said disbelievingly. "A bed?"

"Yes!" Loki exclaimed.

Thor groaned exasperatedly and walked out of the bedroom. Loki and the cat looked at each other.

"_Now, where were we?"_ the cat inquired.

"I was outwitting you," Loki said.

"_I believe you meant to utter the opposite of that misguided statement,"_ the cat said.

Loki presented it a grin totally devoid of friendliness. "Yes, keep on believing, cat," he said. "It shan't ever bring anything to pass."

They continued their chatty standoff until Thor came back into the room, carrying a box.

"You know, Loki, for one who credits himself so greatly on his intelligence, you do not think of the simplest things," the Asgardian told Loki.

He dropped the box on the floor, right beside the foot of Loki's bed. Inside was a neatly arranged variety of cushions and blankets.

"If you don't want to share your bed, give him his own," Thor said simply. "It's really not that complicated."

The cat approached the bed box and cautiously put a paw in. The rest of it followed, and the cat tugged the blankets around before settling down.

"_By Gungnir, he's right,"_ it said in surprise.

"See?" Thor said, knowing his triumph even without hearing the cat's words. "Problem solved."

Loki looked down at the bed box wordlessly. When he realized Thor was waiting for some sort of reaction, he nodded and said "Hm," which Thor had to take as enough.

As soon as Thor was gone, Loki took the bed box and immediately put it out on the balcony. No way was he going to share his bedroom with a cat. No way.

* * *

_Author's Notes:_ Well, look who's back! Loki and company! It was different, writing something with a continuous thread for a chapter of TAgg.

Any of you who live with cats know that basically, your bed isn't yours, it's the cat's. They come in at 2am, wake you up by scratching on the door. Or 7am. Or they just stay on the same corner all day. Get their fur on frikkin' everything. Fluffy overlords.

Also, if you're looking, you can spot the LOKI'd reference and the Apple Dumpling Gang quotes.


	4. Further Attempts

**xvi.**

"_Got it, got it, got it!"_ The cat peeked between its paws and the light zipped away. _"Don't got it! Curses!"_

Loki chuckled. He had—quite by accident—discovered the cat's peculiar and rather amusing quirk a short while ago when he had been testing out a laser pointer. The cat had gone insane and had been chasing the little red light around the room ever since.

"_Ha! Mine! Noooo—!"_

The cat stopped skittering and flattened itself against the floor, eyes the size of moons as it stared at the dot. Its hind legs rocked, eyes growing even wider, and then it pounced, closing the nearly five feet of distance between it and the laser.

It was so utterly focused, Loki wondered if it was possible for it to notice anything else. This gave Loki an idea.

Thor smiled approvingly at Loki as he walked past, playing with his cat.

…

_Playing with his CAT?_

Thor spun around midstride and stared as Loki and his cat vanished around a corner. He didn't know what was going on, but it most certainly was intended to be fatal for the cat.

Thor followed after them, but of course when he reached the corner Loki and the cat were gone.

Loki naturally didn't want Thor to spoil his plan—the other Asgardian had a tendency of doing that—so for a few moments he hid himself and the hysterically distracted cat, then continued on to his destination.

Loki would have thought the sound of running water would have alerted the cat, but strangely enough it didn't.

"_Movingmovingmoving—still! Haha, stupid dot, you're still!"_

The cat leaped, and then with a shocked yowl it went plummeting down a waterfall.

Loki laughed. This latest scheme had actually caught the cat by surprise, and who knew? Maybe that was the key to killing the aggravating animal.

Satisfied, Loki went back to his quarters. On his way there, Thor stopped him and worriedly asked after the cat's state of health. Loki grinned at him.

"I tricked it into jumping down a waterfall," he told the inquiring Aesir. Thor lost possession of all the blood in his face, and Loki went off cheerfully whistling.

The cat dragged itself in a few hours later, bedraggled and soaking wet. Loki sighed at the fact it was still alive, but at least it looked upset.

"_Do you, Loki Laufeyson, have _any idea_ how much cats hate water?"_ the cat demanded.

Loki smirked at it. "I do now."

The cat sloshed off to dry itself out in the sun. Loki found a batch of live eels in his sheets that night.

Thor teased him about his girly scream for weeks. The cat outright mocked.

**xvii.**

"Thor!" one of the Véurr burst into the hall. "The Casket of Ancient Winters is gone!"

Thor shot upright in alarm, spinning away from his father. "How can this be!" he exclaimed. "No Frost Giant has come here."

"Nevertheless, my lord, it is gone."

Thor sent Mjolnir in an arc around his wrist and used the hammer to fly off the edge of the balcony. He reached the end of the Rainbow Bridge just in time to see the Bifrost activate and meet Heimdall outside the observatory, frozen inside a cube of ice.

Thor sighed. "Loki again?"

Heimdall wasn't able to speak, but his eyes clearly said something along the lines of _Well, who else would it be?_

Meanwhile on Jotunheim, Loki was using a tool he shouldn't have ever gotten his hands on to carve a gigantic hole through the surface of the frozen world. The cat watched in boredom from its barred cage.

"_So, what are you trying now, Loki?"_ it inquired. _"Living burial in ice?"_ It somehow managed to cock an eyebrow, despite Loki's initial thought of it not having any. _"I thought you Asgardians preferred pyres. Maybe it's a Frost Giant thing."_

"Why would I give a mortal's shoe about what Frost Giant traditions are?" Loki grunted as he focused the Casket's energy further.

"_Well, I'm sure I don't know. Why would you _have_ a mortal's shoe?"_

Loki stopped, blinking at the snow-swirled space in front of him. He shot a look over at the cat and irritably wondered why the small creature so often left him speechless.

"I wouldn't," he replied. "Therefore I wouldn't give one either."

"_So you wouldn't give a mortal's shoe because you _can't_?"_

Loki's face tightened. "No… even if I _had_ a mortal's shoe, I wouldn't give it to learn Frost Giant traditions."

"_Because the mortal's shoe to you is more valuable than information on the greatest threat that has ever come against Asgard."_

"Precisely," Loki said. He stopped. "Wait, no, that's not what I meant. I meant… actually, I don't care! Don't even care." He went back to his task.

The cat shook snow off its pelt and smirked. _"You were not prepared for a cat, Loki Laufeyson,"_ it said. A chuckle echoed inside the Trickster's mind. _"But then, no one ever is."_

Loki glared at it. "A _cat_ I was prepared for," he snapped. "A mind-speaking creation of Hela, not as much."

The cat snickered. _"Ah, so you admit that you have been caught off guard."_

Loki kicked the cage and the cat within down into the hole. He waited several minutes until the sound of its impact finally reached his ears, then utilized the Casket of Ancient Winters once more and refilled the depthed pit with ice again.

Loki placed his hands on his hips and nodded proudly at his accomplishment. "_That_ will fix you," he stated.

"_Don't be so sure about that, Frost Midget,"_ a tiny mental voice drifted up.

Loki grinned and spun on his heel, just managed to catch himself before he ended up flat on his face against the Jotun ice, and made his way back to the Bifrost.

He collided with Thor as he came in, and in his loudly berating brother's hands he set the Casket. "There you go, I don't need it anymore," he said.

"Loki, what have you done?" Thor demanded, bearing an expression of deep concern.

The grin Loki directed upon his brother contained both triumph and relief. "I have eradicated the cat," he declared.

With that, Loki left Heimdall's observatory and happily endured solitary confinement in his quarters. Some weeks later, as he was relaxing out on the balcony, the faintest whisper of sound caused him to turn his head.

He reacted as a statue, staring in horror at the apparition before him: a sleek green cat, looking none the worse for wear.

"_I said you oughtn't be so sure, Asgardian," _the cat told Loki. _"Thor dug me back out again."_

"But I buried you in the deepest, most inaccessible, and distant of locations from the Bifrost!" Loki exclaimed.

"_Well, he may have recruited the help of the local Frost Giants…"_ the cat looked at him suggestively.

Loki groaned and hid behind his hands as his fingers clenched onto his hair.

**xviii.**

"_You know, I've got to paw it to you, you really do come up with some unique ideas,"_ the cat commended Loki, much to Loki's chagrin. _"I never know what unwinnable scheme you'll come up with next. Really, you should start up your own entertainment business."_

Loki ground his teeth angrily and did not reply.

"_What, you mean to say that you already have? That's not a surprise."_

"How old are you, five?" Loki said scornfully.

"_Three, actually."_

Loki stared at it.

"_What? You wanted to know."_

Loki secured the last knot, giving it a far harder tug than was necessary. Harder, that is, for anything other than the cat.

"_Well, this ought to be fun,"_ the cat commented as it calmly regarded the tangle of knots that cocooned it.

Loki grinned at the cat. "You, miserable creature, are about to be trampled by bilchsteim."

"_Am I? How interesting. Bilchsteim, those are the repulsive things that are huge and scaly and have antlers, right?"_ The cat turned its head. _"I suppose that explains the herd of said creatures a few fields over."_

"Yes, it does," Loki grinned heartlessly.

"_Oh, wonderful. Truly, I can't wait to see how this turns out. You do have the best reactions when your plans fail, you know."_

Loki scowled at the cat and stomped off to put his plan into action. First he took himself out of harm's way, scaling the height of a deep-rooted and wide oak. With where he had left the cat, there was no way it _wouldn't_ be crushed by any number less than a dozen bilchsteim.

Loki reached into the folds of his coat, withdrawing a remote control. With a vicious grin, he flipped the cap off and pressed down on the green button.

A wall of explosives detonated right behind the herd of bilchsteim, frightening the massive beasts into a stampede. Even from where he was perched, Loki had to grip the sizable oak branch beneath him tightly to keep from falling off, for the bilchsteim shook the earth so terribly.

He watched as the bilchsteim thundered over the ground where he had left the cat, clenching his fist victoriously. The herd passed along for several minutes, until at last they had gone and their rumbling had traversed to a distance.

Loki peered down at where the cat had been placed, eyebrows lifting in an impressed expression as he saw how deeply pitted the ground had become. Where bilchsteim stampeded, rivers were created. There was no way in all the Nine Realms the cat could have survived that.

"_Wow," _the cat said, and with a frustrated growl Loki slammed his head into the tree branch. _"I think I almost felt that one."_

**xix.**

"_I didn't know you even had mines on Asgard,"_ the cat remarked, casually padding alongside the considerably tenser Loki.

"There hasn't been a need to send folk down here since before my days," he replied tightly. He glanced up at the cavernous ceiling above him, noticeably nervous.

"_Uncomfortable, Loki?"_ the cat inquired, tip of its tail swaying. _"Feeling a tad claustrophobic?"_

"I have no phobias," Loki snapped.

"_Oh, is that so? How impressive,"_ the cat said sarcastically.

Loki reached over and grabbed it by the scruff of its neck, stomping along and growling in frustration when his boot went over its capacity into a puddle of water.

"_How considerate of you to hold me above the water,"_ the cat said. Loki promptly dunked it, and was rewarded with furied hissing and clawmarks up his front.

Loki frowned at the dripping cat that now crouched in front of him, hackles raised. "Did you really have to do that? This was a new wardrobe."

"_I don't play with water,"_ the cat growled.

"Oh aye, and I'll tell you what else you won't be playing with," Loki said, picking himself out of the water-filled hole and seizing the cat once again. "Cave-ins."

"_Ooh, a cave-in now, is it?"_ the cat mused. _"Gosh, it only seems like yesterday that you buried me miles within Jotunheim. Are you developing a pattern, Loki? Or do you just really like to dig?"_

"I find greater pleasure in deceased felines," Loki replied. He decided he had gone a satisfying depth into the cave (and besides which, he really didn't want to go in further), and chained the cat in place.

The cat regarded the chains with some amusement. _"Trying to keep me from coming out?"_

"A creature starves to death eventually," Loki answered.

"_Only about as soon as you would,"_ the cat said, an amused sound to its voice.

Loki finished securing the beast and left the mine. A few moments later he triggered the cave-in, which turned out to be a little bigger than he expected. Okay, a lot bigger. Alright, so maybe he _did_ nearly cause the Bifrost to fall off the edge of Asgard again…

Thor gave him an hours-long desperate scolding, and soon afterwards the cat was plucked from the wreckage, of course with nary a hair out of place, and placed back into Loki's hands.

"_Miss me?"_ the cat asked in endearing tones.

Loki chucked it over his shoulder and went stalking off.

**xx.**

"I know! I know!" Loki exclaimed. He pointed at the cat. "I'll starve you!"

The cat slowly lifted its head, disturbed from its doze by Loki's outburst. _"A fabulous idea," _it said dryly. _"Except for one thing: everyone feeds me around here. I filch off of Geri and Freki's meals quite frequently."_

Loki scowled at it. "I don't believe you."

"'_Starve' me and you'll find out."_ The cat laid its head back down and returned to its snoozing.

Loki shook his head irritably at the way the cat behaved so nonchalantly about the fact that he was determined to slay it. Anyone else would have been concerned, _anyone_. But no, not the cat. Nothing (aside from excessive amounts of water) ever seemed to disturb it.

For a second, Loki wondered if it really _could_ die. Then he shook the thought from his head, determined that he _would_ find the way to end the antagonizing creature, and strode out of his rooms to plot.

* * *

_Notes:_ Credit for the first one, laser pointer down a waterfall, goes all to lethe-gray on deviantART. It was a brilliant idea and an absolute hoot to write.


	5. Downtime

**xxi.**

"_Ah, lo and behold, the Great God of Mischief and Trickery approaches," _the cat said with sarcastic grandiose. It walked halfway to Loki as he was brought in, then turned around and went away as though to say it didn't care. _"Methinks that escape attempt didn't go so smoothly."_

"How was I supposed to know that Sleipnir would betray me?" Loki grumbled, earning an odd glance from the unfortunate Asgardian forced to carry the greatly bandaged Loki in. He dismissed him angrily and the Asgardian happily fled. "Odin has kept him so long that he has managed to turn my only offspring against me!"

"_You sure he was against you?"_ the cat asked.

Loki looked over at it, not having to turn his head down so much due to his location in a chair. "What?"

"_No matter."_ The cat stepped into its bed and settled down comfortably. _"You look to be more bandage cloth than Trickster God."_

"The trickster has been tricked," Loki said wryly. "I once thought I was the best at my trade, until of course, the day I learned that I had been played as the fool more than all."

"_What happened, Frosty One?"_ the cat queried. _"Did Sleipnir throw you off or attempt to trample you to death?"_

"He threw me," Loki grumbled. He paused, and then added, "Off the side of the Bifrost."

"_Onto shallow ocean and sharp rocks."_ The cat's face twitched in what might have been sympathy, were it anyone other than the cat. _"My suspicions that your escape didn't go so well as planned have been proven accurate."_

"Hurrah for you," Loki muttered.

"_So it seems you shall be immobile for the next sum of days,"_ the cat mused.

"So it seems."

The cat smiled, a terrifying expression at this particular moment. _"How fun."_

Loki had a very bad feeling about this.

**xxii.**

When Thor walked into Loki's chambers that eventide to check on his recuperating brother, he did not expect to find him in his chair positioned at the centre of the room with the cat on his lap.

Loki was glaring daggers at the contentedly situated creature, bearing a deeper and more offended scowl on his face than Thor had ever seen.

Thor stopped just inside the doorway, staring at the odd picture before him. "I take it he is not there by your invitation," he said.

Loki didn't distract his scowl away from the cat for one moment. "It most certainly is not," he stated, glaring at the cat as though willing to incinerate its bones. The cat purred. "Thor, would you be so kind as to remove this pestilence from my lap?"

The cat's purr hitched in a manner similar to a laugh. The tip of its tail, curled around its body, drifted up lazily. If the expression on Loki's face was anything to go by, the cat was obviously saying something.

Loki exploded indignantly and immediately cringed at the pain it caused. "! )(&$ (!* #!" he snarled at the cat securely nestled in his lap.

Thor's brow furrowed. That was another swearword he hadn't heard before. Was Loki inventing new ones again?

It became evident that if Thor didn't intervene Loki's fit would probably cause him to combust. Quickly he stepped forward and gently lifted the cat out of Loki's lap, giving it an apologetic look. The cat didn't seem to care.

It turned its head to look over at Loki. _"Well, this is certainly dignified, having your big brother move the kitty because you can't move it yourself."_

"You—you—" Loki sputtered furiously in response to the feline's unheard comment.

"Loki, calm down," Thor said in concern. "You're in bad condition as it is."

"_Yes, Loki, listen to your big brother."_ Again, Thor could not be certain, but it looked like the cat smirked. _"After all, he does know best. You certainly don't see _him_ falling off bridges into the sea."_

Loki promptly started making up gibberish cursewords again.

"Loki, I don't think any of those really count," Thor said.

"It's the unrestrained hatred that matters!" Loki spat.

Thor decided now would be a good time to vacate the premises. He took the cat with him, earning its cooperation with the promise of a fish luncheon. The cat happily consumed its treat, and Thor marveled at how such a threatened creature could be so calm.

"_Thor, when you've watched Loki run around as much as I have, he's just not so intimidating,"_ the cat told Thor. It observed his puzzled expression and shook its head, returning to the fish. _"Never mind. You can't hear me, anyway."_

**xxiii.**

"_Ah, a visit to the healers,"_ the cat remarked as it strolled in. _"I thought you could be found here."_ It looked around. _"An odd place, this. Funny how creatures _need_ things like medicine."_

Loki glared at the cat, then quickly had his head turned back to its original angle by an impatient healer. A couple of them were changing out his bandages, checking the splints and seeing how Loki's bones were mending. He still couldn't move much on his own; attempts to do so had consistently resulted in pain.

It did not help that the cat would cheekily remind the Trickster of the fact that it didn't need splints or bandages or healers – since thus far, after so many months, Loki had failed to slay it.

"_So,"_ the cat sprang up onto the bed beside Loki. _"What's the verdict on this frail form of yours?"_

"I'm not frail," Loki muttered. The healer gave him a fierce glare that communicated _stop moving!_ and turned his head back again.

"_Sure, of course not. All it took was a short fall to render you paralytic. Temporarily, of course, but still it worked. Whereas you fling me from Asgard's highest tower, bury me in Jotunheim, and drop a giant anvil on me, and I walk away with nary a bone fracture."_ The cat gave Loki an unspeakably sassy look. _"No, you're not frail at all."_

The healer once again readjusted Loki's head. "You have the advantage of being curse-empowered spawn of Hela," he pointed out. "What with my muddled genetic origins, I'm not even sure what I can do anymore."

"_Well, you certainly can't walk away from a drop of the side of the Rainbow Bridge,"_ the cat replied.

"That wasn't a 'drop', I was thrown by Odin's warhorse," Loki said. "There's a difference."

"_Yes, I suppose the difference is measured by amounts of lost dignity."_

Loki frowned at the cat. The healer made a growling noise and roughly pushed Loki's head back into position. Loki frowned at the healer.

"Are you trying to force me to stand on the bad side of these healers?" he demanded of the cat.

"_Well done, Loki, you figured it out,"_ the cat applauded him. _"What a terrific, deductive mind you possess."_

The healer turned Loki's head back yet again, but this time held his jaw in place while giving him the evil eye.

"Sven, could you move that cat out of here?" he asked his fellow healer. "It's interfering with the work."

Sven nodded and without a moment's hesitation picked the cat up by the scruff of its neck and carried it off.

"Ha! Not everyone likes you!" Loki called after it triumphantly.

"_No, but I'm still more popular than you,"_ the cat replied.

Loki paused. "No, you're not."

"_It's the tail, Loki. It's all in the tail."_

Loki pouted. The healer moved his head.

**xxiv.**

"Brother, are you feeling unwell?" Thor asked, brow creasing in worry as he set his hand on Loki's shoulder. "You're not eating. These are some of your favorite foods."

Loki winced and then scowled. "How do you expect me to eat a meal when this sack of fleadirt is providing company?" he snapped, sending a pointed glare to the cat.

The cat raised its head out of the bowl of creamed fish it was delicately eating and gave Thor and Loki a look that had to have been the inspiration for the word innocence. Loki gave it one of blazing wrath in return.

"_I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Loki,"_ the cat said, continuing its mood of total blamelessness. _"My company is simply the best to be had, especially by you."_

Loki's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"_And I haven't seen a flea since I was a kitten, much less been a sack for their dirt. If you're going to insult someone, Loki, you should at least do it accurately. Otherwise you only embarrass yourself."_

The cat's head tilted, and its roving eyes expressed humor. _"Oh, what I am trying to do? It's pointless to tell you, you're already going to go ahead and embarrass yourself anyway. Continue as you will, Laufeyson, forget I said anything."_

Loki looked over at Thor. "If you don't get rid of the cat, I'll starve to death right here," he said.

Thor hesitated.

"_Nice move, Loki,"_ the cat complimented the Asgardian as it was carried away.

"I thought so," Loki said smugly. He carefully lifted his spoon and dipped it into his bowl.

He looked down and his eyes grew wide. There, scattered amongst the creamy red of tomato soup, were unmistakably green hairs. Green, cat-length hairs.

Loki groaned and pushed the bowl away.

**xxv.**

"Extensive amounts of Midgardian explosives – didn't work," Loki muttered to himself as he slowly scratched away at the notebook beneath his hand. "Encased in a block of ice – didn't work. Destroyer's throat, miles inside Jotunheim, grand-sized anvil, highest tower of Asgard, lightning-powered shocks…" He sighed. "Didn't work, didn't work, didn't work, didn't work, didn't work…"

"_What'cha doing?"_ the cat inquired, speedily hopping up onto Loki's writing desk and peering down at the words Loki had thus far written. _"Ah, a list of failures, I see."_ It looked up at him. _"Getting too long to keep in your noggin now, is it?"_

The hand holding Loki's pen shot forward. The cat blinked the one eye that could fully close and tilted its head curiously. _"Well that… is a strange sensation,"_ it decided. _"I see you're feeling better, Loki."_

Loki sighed and picked up another writing utensil. "Pen through grey matter – didn't work," he muttered as he added it to the list.

**xxvi.** (bonus! yay!)

Loki's chair had been placed out on the balcony, as it was a sunny day and pleasingly warm. Loki had no complaint for any weather that was the opposite of Jotunheim's. He was to the point where independent movement was possible but limited. His hands and arms were mostly there, anyway.

He was currently in a place of half-sleep, head tilted back against the chair and fingers curled loosely around the armrests. The gentle sunshine had caused his muscles to relax as they so rarely did.

Loki wasn't exactly asleep. He was still vaguely aware of what was around him, but his body was in a state of rest and his mind moved at a significantly slowed pace.

"_Ah, now you're seeing why cats like a good snooze so much."_

Loki instantly tensed, jerking out of his doze to direct a baleful look upon the cat, who had come out onto the balcony. The cat glanced over at him and started to walk, staying on the balcony but further away from Loki.

"_Relax, Frost Midget, I'm just here to take a nap,"_ the cat said, springing up onto the balcony ledge and settling down. _"Can't bother you so much if I'm asleep, can I?"_

"You'd be surprised," Loki replied. His baleful look had been so far maintained.

"_Shush, Asgardian."_ The cat set its head down, a foreleg already slipping off the side of the ledge. _"This is too good a day to lose a nap upon. Go back to your doze. Dream of the soon-coming days where you can try to kill me again."_

So saying, it closed its eyes, sighed contentedly, and delivered comments to Loki's mind no more.

Loki was surprised that the cat had decided to leave him alone. Perhaps there were things it enjoyed more than driving Loki out of his mind – things that _weren't_ totally evil in their nature. That was… puzzling.

Loki decided there was no more point in thinking about it. He eased back into his chair, returning to his nap. The cat opened one eye and smiled, thinking to itself that it wouldn't be seeing Loki this relaxed for a long time. He seemed almost cat-like.

* * *

Wow. We've made it all the way to 5 chapters and 26 scenes. I didn't think this would happen. It's kind of cool, accomplishing more than you thought you would. :)

It was a different tempo for this chapter. I wanted to see how things would play out if Loki were in a position where he couldn't physically try to harm the cat. Mostly I wanted to explore the conversation between Loki and the cat, and try to give a little more depth to the character of the cat.

Totally unrelated, but frequently when I'm writing "the cat" I find myself typing "that". It gives me a chuckle.

And I promise the next chapter will have more Wile E. Loki. ;)


	6. Accidents and Comebacks

_Author's comments: day late, dollar short, and very confused because I could've sworn I posted this chapter last Tuesday. o.O_

_Okay, so here's the plan: Updates for _TAgg _every Tuesday, schoolwork permitting. Suggestions and/or special requests shall remain open for always, hurrah, and I'm half sure there's something else I'm supposed to say but I can't remember it so that's all for now.  
_

* * *

**xvii.**

"Ah, Thor, there you are," Fandral said as he approached his longtime friend. Thor turned around to face Fandral and, as expected, gave a similar greeting in response.

Fandral rocked on his heels, hands clasped behind his back as he wondered just how he could say this without sounding like a complete twit. "I was walking past Loki's rooms—making certain that all was well, you know—and, you see…" His voice wandered away and he fidgeted again. "It is somewhat difficult to relate, I'm afraid."

"You can try, Fandral," Thor replied. "If there is anything I know about you, it is that you like the sound of your own voice."

_Indeed, but not so much when I sound like a buffoon,_ Fandral thought to himself. "Well, when I was going past his rooms, I noticed that…" His voice trailed off once more and he gestured vaguely, nose wrinkling. "His room… smelled strange."

Thor's brows furrowed into each other slightly. "Smelled?" He paused. "Perhaps that cobbler the Captain of America sent didn't agree with Loki's stomach," he mused.

"No, no, not like _that_," Fandral said quickly. "I mean, it smelled like something rotten. Eggs, maybe."

Thor sighed heavily. "Loki's up to something."

"I can't even figure it out," Fandral confessed, hands spread helplessly. "Just come and see, and do try to prevent." He paused and added, "I think I saw steam coming out from under the door."

Thor muttered something incomprehensible (Fandral may or may not have caught something about accursed malicious curiosity and green-pelted perceived menaces) and shook his head, releasing another sigh, and followed after Fandral grimly.

He broke into a run when they reached the hallway which held the doorway leading into Loki's chambers. It was filled with a scalding white mist which caused Fandral to recoil, but when Thor roared a frantic and terrified "LOKI!" he knew he had no other option but to follow after his comrade.

He and Thor reached Loki's door, Thor with Mjolnir and Fandral with his blade, and with a bellow Thor crashed the hammer against the door and broke it in. Fandral was somewhat taken aback by the sharp contrast of the stale-aired room and the steam-filled hallway outside.

Something was off, though, and Fandral couldn't quite put his finger on it. Loki and his cat seemed fine, though, not a hair out of place on either of them. Fandral would never be foolish enough to say it to their faces, but secretly he thought the both of them were vainglorious creatures. Really, they deserved each other.

"Loki," Thor said, his tone surprised and bewildered, "what happened to your things?"

Oh, that was what was wrong. Though Fandral looked, there wasn't an object in sight. No furniture, no miscellaneous things lying around. There was, however, lots of black dust.

"_Apparently sorcery and acid do not make a great combination," _the cat remarked.

Loki scowled. "How was I supposed to know that would happen?" he grumbled. "The idea was for the acid to eat you away in a matter of seconds, not for it to devour all my belongings."

"_Well, when you try to create a new ultra-corrosive chemical in your homemade magic lab, you can expect things to go wrong," _the cat replied.

Fandral frowned, irked by only catching half the conversation. Ordinarily he wouldn't care what Loki was talking about, but since his skin was starting to peel and it hurt like fiery needles, he would like to know what was going on.

He wasn't the only one. "Loki," Thor said, "As I cannot hear the secret conversations between you and your cat—"

"_Why do these ignorant Asgardians continue to presume I'm your cat?"_

"—I would appreciate it if you explain to me _what is going on._" It was clear from the last few words that this was not a request, but a command.

Loki smiled charmingly. "It is not of import," he growled through his friendly-seeming teeth.

"_Just another failure, that's all."_

Loki's hand shot out to the side and grabbed the cat by the throat, lifting it several feet from the floor. "I would appreciate it if you would cease punctuating my words with mordant remarks," he snarled.

"_Appreciate? You? That'll be the day."_

The long-suffering look on Loki's face almost made Fandral feel sorry for him. More than that he wondered what the cat was saying that aggravated the Jotun so. Why couldn't the telepathy thing work with more than one mind?

"Loki…" Thor said, warning that his patience was running out.

Loki's swallow might have been produced by nervousness. "It was an accident, Thor," he explained. "Shan't happen again." His fingers clenched around the cat's throat more tightly. "Will you _shut up?_" he hissed.

Fandral took on an expression of offense, then realized he was talking to the cat. It was hard to tell sometimes; Loki treated everyone with nearly the same level of disdain. Loki gathered his composure and continued, "I was—"

"_Playing in my homemade magic lab, trying to create a highly corrosive chemical, when everything went 'BOOM!', big brother."_

Loki's eye twitched. Obviously the cat had just said something.

"I was attempting to create a highly corrosive chemical with which to demolecularize the cat's structure."

Thor blinked. "And that means…?"

Loki sighed impatiently. "I was trying to make acid to melt the kitty-cat, Thor," he said derisively.

Thor frowned, not approving of Loki's mocking tone. "And what went wrong?"

Loki hesitated. "Well, I was using magic, and… well, you know sorcery can be unpredictable sometimes."

Oh, Fandral knew. The horse incident he remembered particularly well. The horse incident that was never to be spoken of and still gave Fandral horrible dreams on occasion.

"So, instead of melting the cat, the acid ate away everything else in this room," Thor summarized.

Loki deflated. "Yes."

"_Including my bed, which I am not very happy about,"_ the cat added. It looked over at Loki. _"Mostly because Dr. Really-Strange over here definitely won't make me a new one."_

Loki made a face at it. "Oh, no one cares."

"_Not true: Thor cares. Thor cares about ev-er-y-thing."_

Loki rolled his eyes. Fandral once again found himself irritated at the fact that all the conversations between Loki and the cat, at least the parts he heard, were always completely out of context.

**xxviii.**

"_Is that an anvil again?"_ the cat inquired, watching as Loki struggled forward with a rope. _"Loki, if you can't even think of new ideas anymore, I'm sure it's time you just gave up."_

"It's not an anvil," Loki grunted. "It's a cube."

"_Ah, and that makes it completely different."_

"Completely."

The cat's lip curled upward in a smirk—because Loki had indeed confirmed that the cat could smirk—and it said, _"Well, have fun preparing. I'm off for fish."_

Loki's brow furrowed. "But you hate water."

"_And that should make a difference?"_

"Yes."

"_The reward is worth the risk."_

Loki paused briefly in his hauling, feet anchored on the floor. "You're having Thor catch the fish for you," he stated, disgusted.

"_And what of it?"_

Loki shook his head. "Coward," he muttered.

"_Says the one who can't even face up to a Midgardian balloon."_

Loki shuddered. "Those things can't be truste—" His head whipped around and he stared at the cat. "How do you know about that?"

The cat didn't answer and saucily walked off. Loki growled angrily and continued hauling away. Later, he was yelling at the cat to get into position on the target positioned where the cube would land. Loki would ordinarily tie the cat up and drop it there, but the cat was in a mood and quickly dodged aside whenever Loki approached.

"Would you just get beneath the block?!" Loki demanded.

"_I have fish to get to, I already told you,"_ the cat replied. _"You'll just have to do this later."_

"Get. Underneath. The block."

"_No."_ The cat smirked. _"And as I have already demonstrated, you can't make me."_

Loki glared at it. "I hate you."

"_That has long been established."_

"Get underneath the block."

"_Didn't we go through this little bit of conversation already?"_

"GET UNDER THE BLOCK!" Loki roared.

Something above him snapped and then the cat was thrice its size, staring with wide eyes at the giant block that had taken Loki's place.

"_Now where did that come from?"_ it wondered. It looked up, saw the frayed end of the rope. _"Oh."_ Its fur gradually flattening against its back, it stretched out a paw and poked the block. _"Loki?"_

"Mmmmrphr-uuuuh…" a groan issued from underneath the block.

"_I do declare, Asgardian," _the cat said, _"this is your biggest backfire yet."_

"Shhuuuuuu uuuuuuuup."

The cat gave an amused purr and turned around. _"I'll go get Thor,"_ it told Loki as it left.

**xxix.**

"_If it's so easy for you to get off Asgard, little Jotun, why do you even bother going back?"_ The cat was surprisingly expressing a measure of interest in Loki's doings. _"It would be such a simple matter for you to escape and never return."_

Loki tossed the cat a glance and didn't answer, for once his reason not only being contempt for the cat. He swung his ax up and it thudded against the thick trunk of the tree. The cat watched from its location inside of a barred cage, tail swaying tranquilly.

"_You are a puzzlement, Asgardian,"_ it said. _"Doggedly persistent, yet your reputation states that you would be the first to take the easy way out."_ It settled down, paws tucking underneath its body. _"What changed, I wonder?"_

"Why…" Loki panted, jerking the ax out of the trunk and lifting it again. "…would you…" The ax reentered the tree. "..care?"

"_Oh, I don't know, we've only been suffering each other's company for nearly eight months, I'm just curious to know a thing or two about this funny little creature who's trying to kill me."_

Its head tilted slightly. _"Oh, and incidentally, I don't care. I merely want to know."_

Loki nodded, a bitter smile curling his lip. "Of course," he said. "A quest for knowledge should never be mistaken for a desire for empathy."

"_Precisely."_

"You're a cat," Loki continued. "Empathy simply is not within your capacity."

The cat didn't reply. It watched as Loki continued to hack away at the trunk of the tree, observing the rocking as it was slowly removed from its foundation. The cat was fully aware that the tree would land squarely on its cage, and only after gaining an impressive amount of momentum. It was hardly an alarming prospect.

The tail it had curled around itself twitched some, nearly reaching its chin. It was amusing, Loki's determination to destroy a single creature that he surely knew he couldn't. The lengths he had gone to already were, to everyone other than the cat, terrifying. But he was still going at it from entirely the wrong angle, so the cat had nothing to worry about.

And with Loki's doggedness giving him the tendency to fall into tunnel vision, there was no way he would stumble onto the right path.

The ax thudded against the trunk again, and this time there came the resounding series of cracks that announced the tree was seconds away from falling. Its last connections to its roots were lost and the tree came hurtling down, rushing toward the ground at a terrific speed.

With an ear-ringing _clang!_ it hit the cage. And stayed there. Loki stared in outraged shock. The cage was so strong, and designed in such a way, that even this wooden behemoth couldn't crush it.

The cat looked up, whiskers stretching forward to brush against the bark just visible through the cracked top. _"Well, that's a little different,"_ it remarked. It perused its surroundings, then took note of one bar and pushed it out.

The tree thoroughly crushed the cage. Loki's eyebrows lifted hopefully.

"_I just had to know,"_ the cat explained from its squished position. Loki groaned and crumpled his fingers around his face. _"Would've lost sleep over it otherwise, and I hate losing sleep."_

"Sleep…" Loki mused. Hm, there was a Midgardian drug called caffeine, used to power the body with energy—

"_Don't even think of it, Asgardian,"_ the cat said warningly. _"Nothing comes between me and my naps, and I would find your drugs an hour before you planted them."_

Loki only gave the fallen tree trunk a devilish smirk and turned away.

"_I also know where an eel breeding ground is to be found."_

Loki paused. He really hated those eels, but… eels versus the cat's death? Caffeine was worth a try. For death. Loki walked off, leaving the cat to commune with its tree trunk.

**xxx.**

"But why, Loki?" Thor demanded. "Do you know no reason?"

He and Loki were arguing heatedly—again—but at least this time they weren't trying to physically kill each other. The cat watched from its vantage point on a distant ledge, eyes set to their near constant half-cast. The constant quarreling between the brothers bored and somewhat amused the cat. It didn't understand how people could say the two had possibly gotten along.

Loki laughed scathingly at Thor, face twisted in a sneer. "What have you said to the Midgardians, Thor?" Imitating Thor in a way that could only be intended as mocking, he continued, "'Loki is beyond reason.'"

Thor frowned. "Loki, stop this madness. You cannot truly desire to pursue this—"

"I do what I _want_, Thor!" Loki snapped.

The cat laughed. Well, outwardly he released an abrupt and rather high-pitched yowl, but in Loki's head there was a resounding hoot. The Asgardian turned and glared up at the perched cat, comfortably resting where he had thrown it a few hours ago.

"I fail to see what is so humorous," he said to the cat, and Thor looked confused, as he always did when Loki stopped talking to him and started talking to the cat.

"'_I do what I _want_, Thor!'"_ the cat repeated Loki's words in a nasally tone. _"Do you have any idea how much you say that? And how ridiculous you sound? It's hysterical!"_

Loki scowled. "It is not."

"_Is so!"_ the cat chortled, a loud purr rumbling in its throat.

Loki's fists clenched, and he directed a fearsome look upon the cat. "Is _not_," he growled.

The cat just kept purring, eyes closed in amusement. Loki shook his head in disgust and turned back to Thor. The other Asgardian looked at Loki in bewilderment. "What have I missed this time?" he asked.

Loki shook his head again. "Nothing you need to know."

"_Yup, because then he'd be laughing so hard he'd break one of his indestructible ribs,"_ the cat pointed out.

Loki rolled his eyes. "Oh, please."

Thor shook his own head in disgust and gave up, walking out of the room. "You're grounded for the week, Loki!" he called behind him.

Loki started, a protest instantly forming on his lips. "What! But—"

Thor looked over his shoulder and popped an eyebrow as he smirked. "I do what I want, Loki."

Loki fumed.


	7. Slightly Less Furry

_Author's comments:_ _Right, and _now_ for the chapter I meant to post yesterday. I did try, but my brain went to that place where it couldn't piece a thought together, so I figured it would be best if I waited and got some sleep. Also, trying out a new format with the chapters. (and for any of you Whovians there is a Tenth Doctor quote in here, so keep an eye out for it)_

* * *

**xxxi.**

"Can you not leave off for a fraction of a time?" Loki demanded.

_"Mmm, no,"_ the cat replied saucily, lying on its back with each of its four paws pointed into the air.

"You're trying my patience," Loki growled.

_"What? All this time and I'm only trying?"_ The tip of the cat's tail flicked. _"Gee, I'm disappointed."_

"You leave me alone, or I'll, I'll…" Loki stammered.

_"You'll what?"_ the cat asked, slanting blue eyes at the flustered Asgardian. _"Do tell, Loki, I'm not dying to know."_

"I'll turn you into a human," Loki said ominously.

_"A human?"_ the cat snorted. _"Loki, you hate humans even more than you hate cats."_

Loki deflated. "That's true," he sighed.

_"It is indeed,"_ the cat answered. It rolled over and rose elegantly to its feet. _"Well, suppertime. I suppose I'll go steal off Geri and Freki again—since you stopped feeding me along ago."_

"Am I supposed to feel guilty about that?" Loki inquired. "Because I don't."

The cat's whiskers twitched in amusement. _"I wouldn't expect any different, Frost Midget. We _have_ known each other for nine months, now."_

"We don't know each other at all," Loki said coldly,

The cat turned its head away in disinterest and made to leave. _"I'll be going now. Oh, and I can you that your idea with the trampoline won't work in advance, because there was this one time as a kitten… Actually, that's too long a story for now."_ So saying, the cat slinked out of the room.

Loki shook his head and muttered something under his breath, returning to his interrupted task. _'Caffeine—NEVER AGAIN'_ he wrote.

**xxxii.**

The cat made its meandering way to the gardens. While Geri and Freki's meat was easily attainable and always entertaining to retrieve, the cat had a craving for fish, and Thor never failed to satisfy. As for the fact that Thor was in the gardens with his lover, Jane... eh, people were always honored to be interrupted by a cat.

Unless you were Loki, of course.

The cat came to the right corner of the gardens and announced its presence with an endearing meow, and both Thor and Jane found themselves distracted.

"I'm sorry," Thor began to apologize to his dearest, but she made a delighted sound and sprang from her seat.

"You didn't tell me you had cats on Asgard!" she exclaimed.

"You like cats?" Thor asked.

_"Well, obviously she likes cats, did you see the look on her face?"_

"I love cats!" Jane said excitedly. She knelt down by the cat and made crooning noises. It looked at her imperiously. "I had a cat when I was a kid, Sol, oh he was great."

_"Was?"_ the cat repeated. _"Oh, so Midgardian cats are mortal, too. Shame."_

It stiffened in surprise when Jane set her hand on its back and began to stroke. The cat was about to protest and leap away, when she changed the angle of her fingers and scratched behind its ears. It felt… not bad. Pleasant, even.

"Oh, Sol would have loved you," Jane said with a smile. "And your green would have been perfect with his gold."

_"Well, my green looks pretty marvelous with anything,"_ the cat replied. It pouted. _"Oh, it's no fun when they don't respond."_ Its sulkiness was but brief, for Jane's hand reached its shoulders and it arched its back into the touch.

The Midgardian—she may as well have been a queen, for the way she treating the cat—looked up at Thor. "Do all cats come in green here?" she asked curiously.

Thor shrugged and gestured vaguely. "They come in many colors," he replied. "Green, blue, red…"

_"Gold,"_ the cat murmured, thinking of its mother.

"Oh," said Jane. She looked back over at the cat. "This fella looks so much like the cats back on Earth. Except he's longer, and he looks… _slinkier,_ y'know?"

Thor stuck with his policy of honesty and shook his head. Jane chuckled lightly. "You're not much of a cat guy, are you?" she said.

"I must confess I haven't taken much interest in them," Thor answered truthfully.

_"Your loss,"_ the cat said. _"Oh, and Thor? I didn't come here to be fawned on."_ It meowed plaintively.

Thor looked down at the cat, an amused smile further lightening his features. "I know what you're here for," he said. To Jane he added, "Loki doesn't feed the cat very often, for… reasons. It loves fish, so I've taken to bringing some with me wherever I go."

Jane and the cat both stiffened at the mention of Loki, but on different grounds.

_"Thor, if you tell her that I'm Loki's cat, like you do everyone else, Heimdall help me I will _claw_ you…"_

"So that explains the lunchbox," Jane said. She kept her tone carefully neutral as she stroked the cat. "Loki didn't strike me as the type who'd share space with a cat."

_"Share space with a—Thor, this mortal gets it!"_

Thor smiled slightly. "It's a strange story," he said.

"It's always a strange story when a cat's involved."

_"I like this girl,"_ the cat stated. _"Keep her, Thor. And where's my fish?"_ It meowed again.

"Yes, yes, of course," Thor said. He grabbed the fish box and pried the lid off, setting it down before the cat. It mewed in pleased tones and pranced out from under Jane's hand. Tail arced into the air as a sign of delight, the cat bent its head down into the box, teeth parted to grab the first bite of heavenly fish.

Then everything around the cat exploded in hues of light that Thor instantly recognized as Loki's magic. When the shadows cleared, sitting on the floor in the cat's stead—with a rather stunned expression in place—was a small, green-haired man in cream-colored robes.

The human puzzled at its hand, as though it didn't understand why it had one, then looked up at Thor. "By Gungnir," the cat—human—said. "He actually did it."

**xxxiii.**

Jane stared up at the now-standing, now-_human_ cat. "Was that supposed to happen?" she asked.

The—cat?—turned and looked down at her. Its nose twitched, and with a certain lack of whiskers it looked a bit odd. "Definitely not, Jane," it said, seemingly unconcerned by its situation. Seeing her expression, the cat had a pleased one flit across its own face. "Oh, the vocal operatives are in working order, how nice! That means you all can hear me now." A devious looked appeared on its face and it chuckled.

Thor was stunned. In fact, this was almost the most stunned Jane had ever seen him. "You're human," he said incredulously.

The human spread its arms wide. "So I am," it said. "Strange, isn't it?" It looked over its shoulder with a frown. "No tail." It perused its fingers and wriggled them around curiously, curling them in and out. "And longer fingers. So many joints! Honestly, what do you need such a number for?"

Thor's face turned grim. "Do not worry, my friend," he said, tones somber. "We shall return you to your true form immediately."

"I'm not worried," the human said dismissively, still examining its spontaneously altered body. "After all, what can Loki do to me? I'm just as durable in this form as I am in my natural one." It pulled a face and moved its tongue around. "New teeth. That's weird."

Thor looked doubtful. "I wouldn't be so sure about that," he warned. "Loki's shifts have been proven to be quite… thorough."

"That's one way to describe it," Loki said. Everyone turned and saw him leaning against a tree, last of his raven feathers fading into his leather tunic. The Trickster smirked at them, smug in his accomplishment. "This is what you get for tangling with a sorcerer, cat."

The human drew its hands together in a slow, sarcastic clap. "Oh, well done, Asgardian," it said dryly. "You've successfully directed a shapeshifting spell on someone other than yourself." It smirked back at Loki, and it was disturbing to see just how much they looked alike. Jane reflected on the saying that pets looked like their owners, and vice versa.

Loki's smirk grew to a teeth-baring grin. "You're mortal now," he said.

"Yes, I am. Good on you, Frosty One."

"No," said Loki, grin spreading. "You're a _mortal_ now."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," the human replied.

"We'll see," Loki said, sounding very confident in his success.

"Yes, we'll see," the human agreed. It gestured. "After you."

Loki stepped forward, parting from the tree, and he and the human left side-by-side.

Thor mostly restrained his groan. He should have known that these two were going to assure that Jane couldn't have a peaceful and pleasant visit.

"What's going on with them?" Jane wondered, staring as the human and Loki left.

"Loki's trying to kill him," Thor said tiredly.

Jane stared at him in horror. "_What?!_"

**xxxiv.**

Outside the gardens, Loki and the ca—human, Loki and the _human_, were discussing plans. Or more accurately the human was eagerly laying out the options. Which was far more disturbing than anything had a right to be.

"Unfortunately, you picked rather a late time of the day to transform me, so not so much activity now since it's evening," the human said. It was strange, actually hearing its voice reverberating off the walls. "Tomorrow, though, tomorrow you can really get things going." It rubbed its hands together. "Ooh, should we start with acid or nuclear devices?"

Loki gave the human a sideways look. "There is something wrong with you," he stated. "You are not supposed to actually _anticipate_ being killed." He set a hand to his chest. "That's _my_ job."

The human pulled a face. It was alarming, to see how quickly it was getting the hang of that. And disconcerting to see how it still, in spite of being more than five feet tall and sporting hands, looked so very _cat_.

"What? You're saying I can't get some fun out of this, too?" The human and Loki approached a wide staircase. The human's head tilted curiously. "Hm, it's going to take some getting used to, not talking with those italics."

"Eh?" Loki glanced over, puzzled.

"Nothing. Anyway, acid or nuclear devices?"

Loki tossed it a glance that was laden with sarcasm. "Do you really have to ask?"

"Nuclear devices it is, then!" The human started up the staircase, wobbled, then careened backwards onto the floor, landing heavily on its seat. It looked up at Loki with rather a surprised expression, and Loki looked back with rather a surprised expression also.

"Well!" the cat exclaimed. "These human bodies are quite useless! Not a tail to be had, and much the clumsier for it!"

Loki started to snigger. "You look," he chortled, "like one of my old tutors. He had that exact expression upon his face when he slipped on these very stairs." He took on a look of fond recollection. "I put a fruit peel directly in his path, if I remember correctly. He was furious, naturally, but what could he do? Besides leave of course."

"And which mentor was that?" the human asked.

"One in a long list," Loki answered. He looked at the human thoughtfully. "No, I take it back—you look even more ridiculous than he."

The human cocked an eyebrow. "Well, thanks Frost Midget, but I don't think your dear old tutor had to deal with being shapeshifted."

"Actually, he was quite proficient at the art," Loki replied.

The human blew a raspberry at him. Loki had no idea where it had even picked up the habit. Both human and Asgardian turned their heads and the approaching sound of a low-voiced argument. It was Jane and Thor. Thor was obviously trying to explain everything to her, and Jane was obviously finding it hard to swallow.

"_That's_ the face of a cat-killer?" Jane said skeptically. She stared at Loki with an expression of frank disbelief.

"Attempted," the human corrected, lifting a finger. "He hasn't killed anything yet."

"_Yet_," Loki added pointedly.

The human lifted its eyebrow at Loki, a smug smirk curving its lips.

"Thor, Loki," Frigga said, "time for dinner."

Jane stopped and pointed at the air. "Okay, you don't have PA systems, so how did she do that?" she asked.

Thor shrugged. "No one knows," he said.

"She's a Mystic Mother," Loki stated.

"Aren't they all?" the human responded.

"We better get up there before she sends someone to get us," Thor said.

"_So_ embarrassing when she does that," Loki muttered.

"For you, anyway," the human chortled. "Me, I find it highly entertaining."

Loki folded his arms and scowled. "Oh, shut it."

The quartet made their way to the banquet hall.

**xxxv.**

"He talks in his sleep?" Fandral repeated in amazement.

"All the time!" the human exclaimed. "I'd say it keeps me up at night, but as a cat I'm more nocturnal anyways."

Loki groaned, face buried behind hands. "I'm starting to remember why I didn't do this before," he said in a pained voice.

The human had quickly found the use of its tongue and was now happily chattering away. It was practically gossiping—with Loki sitting right across from it! The impudence of the creature shocked him.

"Heh, well it was always your choice, Loki," the human replied. It regarded its hand thoughtfully, flexing the fingers with an expression of mild interest.

"Are you two always like this?" inquired Darcy, a friend of Jane.

"Oh yes, except that usually no one else can hear me," the human told her. "And most other Asgardians think he's just a crazy prince talking to a cat!'

"A reputation you gladly contribute to, I might add," Loki grumbled.

"Yes, well, here I am before you all, talking, so I guess this proves you aren't crazy," the human said. It paused. "Or at least less crazy."

Loki sighed. _Bad idea. This was a bad idea. I've got to keep the human away from other folk._

The human turned to Darcy and they began talking rapidly, wickedly conspiring looks on their faces. "You _tazed_ him?" the human exclaimed delightedly at one point. "Why, that's fantastic!" And they continued on.

Loki wondered why Thor suddenly looked so uncomfortable, and Jane was doing her best not to laugh."Darcy, I thought we agreed not to talk about that," she said.

"What?" Darcy protested. "It's just the cat."

"Mm-hm, just me," the human said, flashing a grin so charming it grated on Loki's nerves. "The cat, a cat completely."

"Except when you're not," Loki retorted.

The human turned its attention back onto him. "Oh, good one, Frost Mi—"

"_Don't say it,_" Loki snarled intensely.

"What? It's just a nickname."

"One I happen to loathe!"

"Isn't that the point?"

"For Odin's sake, why can't you be a normal, meek cat?!"

"No such thing."

"DGL;RP'SYPHJN1! #$%^&*(!"

The human's eyebrows lifted. "That's a new one. Oh wait, haven't you done this before? I'm convinced you've done this before."

"It doesn't matter whether or not I've done this before!"

"It does if you find repetition extremely dull."

"Grrrrrrr…"

"Are you growling at me? Like a dog? Gee, compared to Odin's wolves, you sound like a pup."

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Why should I? This is fun!"

"Um, Loki?" Volstagg asked. "If you're not going to eat that…"

"Of course I'm going to eat it!" Loki snapped, yanking his plate out of Volstagg's reach.

"Wow," Fandral whispered to the human. "This is fantastic entertainment."

"Oh, you have no idea how much fun it is to be roommates," the human cackled.

"You should challenge him to a duel."

"Here? Right on the table?"

"Of course! If you're going to do a duel at a feast, it must be done on the tables. Oh, and actual weapons are forbidden so here," he placed something into the human's hand "a carrot."

"Ah, my thanks." And the human jumped up to the table, teetered and looked to fall, then regained its balance. "So this is your tail," it said, looking from arm to arm. "Your forelegs. Rubbish way of doing it."

Loki looked up at it. "You idiot, are you challenging me to a dinner duel?"

"I do believe I am," the cat stated.

"Do you even know the rules?"

"Fandral told me."

"Of course he did… And what is the cause for this occasion?"

"Uhm…" the human's face screwed up in concentration. "You're an irritating fool and I would take great pleasure in carroting your hide?"

"Ooooooh," Darcy said.

"That's actually an excellent reason," Fandral said. "Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Because Loki would have beaten you before you even got on the table," Hogun said somberly.

Loki glared at the human. "Right, I'm going to make you suffer for that."

"I'd like to see you try," the human grinned. "Oh wait, isn't that what we've been doing for the past three-quarters of a year?"

Loki scooped up a carrot with his boot and tossed it up to his hand. He took on a stance, and the human remained relaxed.

"Everyone, pull your plates off the table!" Thor boomed.

Everything was shifted. There was now a clear aisle down the length of the table. The human finally took a stance, smirking at Loki. "_En garde,_" it said. Glancing over at Fandral it enquired, "that's the correct phrasing, yes?"

Fandral nodded and gave the human a double thumbs-up. Darcy shook her head. "I never should have taught him that," she muttered.

The dinner duel began. The human fell a good number of times, of course. "Two legs, how can you manage it?" it wondered.

"Because we're better," Loki replied with a smirk.

"Oh, _burn!_" Darcy exclaimed.

Once on all fours, though, the human had something of an advantage, and soon Loki would fall, too. "You can't be mastering your form this quickly!" he sputtered.

"Four legs, Jotun," the human reminded him. "Knocking me over wasn't such a great idea."

They journeyed up and down the length of the table, wearing matching smirks as they continuously tried to verbally outwit each other. The comments were soon being traded too quickly for anyone to follow. Thor began to suspect that Loki was actually enjoying this.

Jane leaned over into Thor's shoulder. "Is it just me, or does it look like Loki is actually enjoying this?" she whispered.

Thor shook his head. "It's not just you," he whispered back.

The dinner duel went on for quite a while. It ended with Loki the victor, of course, but only because the human realized that its fish had gotten cold. They both returned to their meals amid rounds of applause.

"That was one of the best dinner duels I've ever seen!" Fandral exclaimed. "It would have been even better if I was in it!"

"Of course it would," the human chuckled, taking a sip of its mead and pulling a face. "Bleh. The mead, not you," it added, seeing the look on Fandral's face.

Loki hid both his chuckle and his smile behind the rim of his goblet. But Thor noticed the crinkles around his eyes.


	8. Adventures in Humanland

_Author's notes: Is it still Tuesday? Aw yes! This keeps up, we might have a regularly updated thing going on here. And also, there is art for the human!cat chapters, yay! Sadly, Most of the picture doesn't show here, but the full-size thing will soon be visible elsewhere. Because costumes are fun. :)_

_Also, some things are explained. I'm taking advantage that the human can talk and is at times in a chatty mood. Though more often it's a snarky one._

**_Warnings:_**_ in case we need any. I'm pretty sure all of you already know the whole Loki's-trying-to-kill-his-pet thing._

* * *

**xxxvi.**

"Good morning, Loki!" a loud and cheery voice booted Loki into consciousness whilst a pair of hands slammed by either side of his neck. Loki's eyes snapped open and he stared up in alarm at the grinning face of the human. "How's the only miniature Jotun of Asgard this morning?"

Loki kept staring up at the human, mentally telling his heart to slow itself to something at least twice its normal rate. "What. In heaven's name."

"Oh Come on, Trickster, there's nothing to be terrified of," the human said to him, tsking. "You've got a big day ahead! A human cat to kill, guests to intimidate, and most important of all, breakfast to be had."

"You're… unexpectedly chipper this morning," Loki noted.

"I know, it's peculiar," the human remarked. "Comes with being human, I suppose. Now, up to your funny big feet, or you'll miss breakfast."

"I always miss breakfast," Loki muttered sourly. "I don't like being around people in the morning."

"Well, you will be this morning," the human declared. "Rise, Loki, and get your dressing gown. It's only breakfast, you know, and you can diva yourself up later." The human promptly started dragging Loki out of bed.

Loki protested and fought it off. "Alright, fine! I'll come down to breakfast!"

"Good!" The human threw Loki's dressing gown at his face and dashed off. Loki got out of bed and slipped on the robe, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Whether he chuckled, he would never say.

"Brother, how good of you to join us!" Thor boomed happily, causing Loki to wince. Like everyone else in the smaller banquet hall, his brother was clad only in nightclothes covered by a dressing gown. Jane and Darcy clearly hadn't thought to bring their own, for Darcy was wearing one of Frigga's and Jane was essentially buried inside of Thor's spare.

Loki frowned at his jovial sibling. "Well, since the human truly jolted me awake, I figured I may as well come down," he said surlily.

"Oh, come off it, Grinch, you're up by this time anyway," the human said dismissively. For some reason it and Darcy struck fists and Loki had the feeling "Grinch" had a secret meaning. Some sort of camaraderie had formed between Darcy the human last night and Loki feared nothing good would come of it.

"Join us, Loki, sit down," Fandral invited. "As always, there's plenty."

Naturally the only available seat was between Hogun and Volstagg. At least Sif was on the other side of Hogun. Unfortunately the human was right across from him, just like the night before.

"So," the human asked, "when do we get started with those nuclear devices?"

Jane choked, Thor turned green, and Fandral spat his orange juice across the table. The human wiped the fruit spittle of its face while Loki sat stiffly frozen in indignation, specks of orange across his complexion.

"_This_ is why I don't come down for breakfast," he told the human.

The human halfway crawled across the table and used a clean hanky to dab the orange juice off Loki's face while Fandral profusely apologized to everyone. "Relax, Loki, they're just not used to our mealtime conversation."

"By Father's spear, Loki, is this what you've been talking about all this time?" Thor exclaimed, looking ill.

"Oh, this isn't the half of it," Loki told him.

"Today is a good day thus far," the human added.

Loki glanced at it sideways. "That depends on whose side of the fence you're on."

"I'm so glad I didn't bring my children to visit today," Volstagg said.

"I wish I hadn't brought _myself,_" Fandral groaned.

"Well, I think it's entertaining," Darcy said. "Which reminds me, you wanted to know what the Internet was…" She pulled something up from underneath the table and set it in front of her and the human, opening it. "And if I can get a signal… wow." Her eyebrows bounced. "You guys have crazy-good WiFi out here."

"Must be all the magic in the air," the human mused.

Darcy looked over at it. "Why would you say that?"

The human looked back. "Why wouldn't I?"

Darcy shrugged and returned to her laptop, beginning the human's introduction to the Internet. Loki figured now would be a good time to leave.

**xxxvii.**

"So how was the Internet?" Loki asked the human as it came in some hours later. He had in fact been about to go down and physically drag the human away, but now that wouldn't be necessary.

"Scarring and fantastic and insane and I regret absolutely nothing," the human replied.

"Good for you," Loki said. "Now, onto that nuclear device."

"Guess it's a good thing I changed out of my evening dress before I talked to you," the human remarked.

'"Yes indeed."

"Laufeyson?"

"What?"

"Why is there a crossbow in your coat?"

Loki looked over at it. "You'll find out."

**xxxviii.**

"So, what's the name of this poison again?" the human inquired.

"Iocane," Loki replied.

"It doesn't have a smell," the human observed.

"No smell, no taste, dissolves instantly in liquid and a single sip is enough to kill a mortal." Loki paused. "Of course, anything is enough to kill a mortal."

"Can it kill an Asgardian?" The human appeared curious.

"If taken in gross amounts." Loki replied. He upended a small sack and dumped it into a wine goblet. The human watched the contents cascade forth, then raised its brows at the Asgardian.

"Why do I get the feeling you're giving me enough to kill a legion?" it asked.

"Two legions, actually," Loki answered, shaking out the last of the dust.

"I just drink it?"

"Every last drop."

The human stirred a finger in the goblet with a dubious expression. "It looks more like porridge than wine, now."

"You can always add more."

"Iocane?"

"_Wine,_ idiot."

"Of course." The human wrapped its fingers around the stem of the decanter and carefully poured, tongue curling around its lip as it focused. While it had gotten the basics of human motor systems fairly quickly, there were some things it still took care on out of principle. When the goblet was topped off, the human picked it up and threw it back, making a disgusted face and shuddering. "Eugh, humans have too many taste buds."

They waited a moment.

"Anything?" Loki asked.

The human paused, then shook its head. "Nope."

"Rats." Loki picked up a pen and etched a few lines into his ever-present notebook. "Another to the list."

"Well, you never know, you might find it later," the human consoled him.

Loki pouted at it. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"Well, yes, but I mistakenly thought you might appreciate it." It lifted the decanter. "Wine?"

"Don't mind if I do." Loki picked up a goblet and then paused, looking at the other one. "Which of these did I put the iocane in again?"

"Perhaps both?" the human suggested. "If that's the case, then I suppose I'll be forced to drink all the wine by myself…"

Loki snatched the decanter from the human's hands and sassily drank right out of it.

**xxxix.**

"So, cat," Darcy said as she and the human carried boxes of acquired material into Loki and the human's rooms, "how'd you end up with someone like Loki anyway?"

"Well," the human stood aside as Darcy kicked the door shut, "things really started before I showed up here at the palace. You know, when Loki went all villain and then tried to jump off the Bifrost and Thor caught him. Sometime after that Loki decided he wanted a, a minion. So he convinced Thor to go out and get him a cat."

Darcy snorted in amusement. "Idiot."

"My sentiments exactly, but hey, I get free food and as a bonus I'm an extreme irritant to the God of Chaos. Anyway, Thor took me here, I bonded with Loki, we forged an instant hate/aggravate relationship and he's been trying to kill me ever since. But that's okay, since Odin'll die before I will."

"How come you stay?" Darcy asked, opening one of the boxes and contemplating which item to take out first. "I mean, Loki's gotta treat you like crap, so why do you hang around?"

"Well, I did mention free meals and perks," the human pointed out. "And Thor and I have this sort of unspoken agreement: I keep Loki busy, chasing his own tail as it were, and everyone else can go about their daily lives without worrying that a vexed God of Chaos is going to kill them. In the meantime said God of Chaos takes out his anger issues on me."

"Sounds like a miserable job," Darcy remarked. She crumpled up the piece of wrapping in her hand and looked over at the human. "And it doesn't sound like Thor at all."

"I did say it was unspoken," the human pointed out. When Darcy gave it a piercing look, it shrugged and continued, "I'm a cat, Darcy. Regardless of subspecies quirks, cats have a way of understanding what isn't said. Body language, Darcy. It tells us a lot."

"So that's why you stay?" Darcy wondered. "To protect others?"

"Eh, mostly because it's fun to watch Loki," the human admitted. "He's almost as entertaining as that Internet of yours."

"You've got to get me photos sometime."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I can do better than that." The cat frowned at the thing in its hold. "How does one get these to unfurl properly? I've tried several times and it only comes out tattered."

"There's an art to it," Darcy said. She leaned over and demonstrated. "I suppose it helps if one doesn't have pointed nails."

"Yes, yes I suppose it does."

"You said you bonded with Loki," Darcy noted as she began to drape things over the furniture and decorations, indicating for the human to do the same. "What exactly does that mean?"

"My particular subspecies of cat communicates primarily through telepathy," the human explained. "It's why we're not as vocal as other cat species. But we can only speak with one outsider in this manner."

"And you chose Loki?" Darcy asked, surprised. "Why?"

The human shrugged, grandly tossing off the last bit of its roll and picking up another, carefully stepping over Darcy's already set lines. Darcy picked up another for herself and went over to a different part of the chamber.

"I just realized I don't know your name," she said. "What is it, anyway?"

"Loki hasn't given me a name yet," the human replied, trailing its way into Loki's room. "He probably never will."

"You mean you don't have a name?" Darcy exclaimed in shock, starting to follow after the human. "The jerk!"

The human laughed, echoing from the open doorway. "Of course I have a name! Every cat has a name, Darcy. It's just not for you to know."

"Then, can I give you a name?"

"It wouldn't have any true standing," the human told her. "Only you'd be allowed to call me it, and it would be more of a… a pet name." Darcy saw it smile as she came in, amused by its chosen phrasing.

Darcy shrugged with her hands. "Hey, I'm fine with a nickname," she said. "You should have something that goes with you, like Danny." She smiled at some hidden joke. "Yeah, Danny."

"I don't see how that 'goes with me,'" the human said, throwing its roll to Darcy while she threw hers to it, standing on opposite sides of Loki's bed.

"Well, there's this guy in a high school named Danny, super nice dude and totally awesome besides. You remind me of him, in an obscure cat way."

"I see." Again, the human and Darcy switched rolls. "If you like this Danny so much, why do you not pursue a relationship with him?"

"Couldn't work. He's fictional."

"Ah." The human nodded sagely. "I can see how that would throw a wrench in the works."

"So, is that okay?" Darcy asked. "Danny?"

The human took a moment and considered, turning a new roll in its hands. It nodded once. "Yes," it decided, "you may call me Danny. But just you, Darcy."

"Sure. But I will tell you, Jane will want to give you a nickname too, and it'll probably be something weird to do with astronomy and space and stuff."

"I think I can live with that," the human said dryly, layering Loki's pillows. "Just so long as she doesn't call me Green. That would be well and truly a stupid name to go about with."

Loki had to admit, the Midgardian invention of day planners was quite useful. Especially when one was trying to squeeze so many murder experiments into a single day. Of course, it would be even more useful if the one you were trying to kill didn't continuously disappear off to conspire with Thor's Midgardian guests.

"Cat, be you—" Loki called as he came into his chambers. He stopped, frozen in horror as he stared. "—present," he finished in a small voice.

The human smirked from where it sat in Loki's couch, the one place in the entire room that wasn't covered with material which, in Loki's understanding, belonged in no place other than the bathroom.

"What—what—" Loki stuttered, not even able to muster up rage because he was too shocked.

The human's smirk grew wider. "The human Darcy introduced me to the Midgardian tradition of TPing," it explained to Loki. "I found the concept rather amusing, and she was happy to give me a lesson." It gestured grandly. "I think I did quite well for a beginner, don't you?"

"You're not supposed to fight back!" Loki wailed in despair.

"Fight back? Loki, this isn't fighting back, this is playing." The human paused. "Though, in a trickster's world, maybe that's the same thing."

"You, young kit, are going to help clean this up," Loki said in his most commanding voice.

The human stuck its tongue out at him. "Says whom?"

**xxxx.**

"Ugh, things are so much less complicated and it's easy to talk to outsiders and they expect you to and it's annoying," the human complained as it plowed face-first into the grass beside Jane. "Also, Loki made me spend my afternoon picking up toilet paper, but that's nowhere near as bad."

Jane looked over at the human curiously, a smile curving her lips. "Why is it that once Thor steps away, you're here?" she asked.

"Perhaps he's asked me to protect you," the human said.

"Perhaps you're scared of him," Jane teased with a grin.

The human rolled its face out of the grass and looked up at Jane with tilted eyebrows. "Scared of Thor?" it repeated in bemused tones. "Why in Frigga's name would I be scared of Thor? He's no more threat to me than a domesticate puppy."

Jane couldn't help her laugh. She shook her head and said, "You are such a cat."

"Gee, you really think so?"

Jane laughed again. The human smiled. They drifted into silence and watched the passing clouds, Jane thinking of the universe and its secrets, and the human thinking of how it never saw a cloud with whiskers. Never. Not on any world. The human gazed down thoughtfully at the grass cropping up between its fingers, tugging loosely at the blades.

"Do you ever get used to it?" it asked suddenly. "The colors, the tastes. The lack of smell. And the height and bipedal legs! Is it something one can ever grow accustomed to?"

"Do you not see color?" Jane queried.

"Yes, I do, just not in the same way. But Jane," it pressed, blue eyes intent, "_do_ you ever get used to these strange, strange bodies of yours?"

"Well…" Jane paused, thinking about it. "Not really, I guess. I don't really think about it so much. But sometimes, yeah, it surprises me. And I'm, how did you say it? Not used to it."

"So the answer is no."

"Nah," Jane shook her head and smiled over at the human. "The answer is sometimes."

The human chuckled, parted lips showing hints of teeth. "Just my kind of answer." It looked away, gathering words, then looked back at Jane. "An unforeseen advantage of being turned human, this. Communication is the key to many a great civilization. I suppose I might miss this ability called speech when I turn myself again."

"Think you will?"

"Loki's bound to grow tired of my telling stories about him eventually," the human pointed out. "He doesn't much appreciate now that all of Asgard knows he talks in his sleep."

Jane giggled. "Does he really talk about apples?"

"Incessantly." The human grinned, eyes twinkling. It looked up. Apparently telling time by the sky worked here just as well as it did on Earth. "I must go," the human informed Jane. "Darcy and her scheming wisdom await me."

Jane shook her head with a laugh. "You two really enjoy each other, don't you?"

"What can I say?" The human grinned. "She'd make a great cat."

It zipped off. Thor was back less than a moment later.

**xxxxi.**

"I think I shall play 'personage', for… I believe it tells me twenty-one points?"

"I hate you," Darcy said, promptly snatching back the offered phone. She shook her head. "I never, ever should have introduced you to Words With Friends."

"Maybe you just shouldn't have introduced me to you," the human remarked.

Darcy's eyes narrowed, glaring into her phone's screen as she perused her options. "Hmm…"

"Ah, there you are!"

The human looked over its shoulder and soon the rest of its body followed. Fandral and Volstagg, looking smaller the group for lacking Hogun, stood before it.

"We were looking for you," Volstagg explained, smiling broadly.

"Yes, my lad," Fandral said, slinging an arm around the human's shoulders and dragging it off. "We are going to teach you the ways of men!"

"I have a feeling I'm going to regret this," the human muttered. "My responding word shall be delayed, Darcy!"

"It's fine, I have some books to check out in the library anyways," Darcy replied. "Loki heard I majored in political science, so he recommended some."

"Quick, Volstagg, find a corner where we won't be heard!" Fandral whispered urgently to Volstagg.

"Right!" Volstagg zipped off—at least, as much as a man of his girth could zip off.

The human shook its head, somewhat impaired by the arm hanging around it. Ridiculous. Whatever was coming just had to be ridiculous.


	9. Two Humans, a Cat, and some Gods

_Author's notes: Operation Tuesday is consistently trying to foil itself. It's actually quite aggravating. Here I had this all ready to go yesterday, and the Internet wouldn't come on. *sigh* Maybe we'll revert back to random updates at random times…_

_This chapter has changed so much in the course of its writing, I'm not even sure what I wrote anymore. :\ And good grief, Darcy, when did you become a main character? You weren't even supposed to be here, lol._

**_Warnings:_**_ in case there should be_

* * *

**xxxxii.**

"So, we've noticed that you spend a lot of time around Darcy lately," Fandral began.

The human immediately placed a hand over his mouth. "Fandral, Fandral, stop," it said. "We are not going to waste half the chapter over this."

"But—"

"No."

"Can't you at least—"

"No." It stopped. "Hogun, when did you get here?"

"I was waiting in the closet," Hogun said briefly. "It's my closet."

"Oh." The human looked around. "Well, you have a lovely closet. The closet that all four of us are huddled in. Trying to talk about how I spend time with Darcy."

"A _lot_ of time with Darcy," Fandral said again, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

The human stared at him. "You honestly think that I have a romantic interest in Darcy?" it asked. "Fandral, you are quite mad! We're not even the same species."

"You are now," Fandral pointed out.

"That is an excellent point, but still, _no._ I like Darcy very much, but not in such a fashion, and as I said, we're not even the same species."

"Hey, Danny, you around here?"

_Danny?_ Fandral mouthed.

"I'm in the closet," the human called.

"In the clo—" The door opened and Darcy poked her head in. "Wow," she said, voice shaking as she contained a laugh. "Party in the closet. Do I even want to know what you four are doing here?"

"Uh," said Fandral and Volstagg. Hogun said nothing, but he looked very awkward. The human pointed at the Dashing and the Voluminous.

"These two buffoons have developed a keen interest in our relationship," the human said. "Apparently we're hopelessly in love and just don't realize it." It nodded at Hogun. "I'm not sure about this one."

Darcy howled with laughter. Keeled over and gripped her knees as she vainly tried to remain erect. "_What?_ You really—_what?_ We're not even the same species, guys! I mean, I'm okay with weird, but a cat? A _supervillain's _cat?" She reached up to her face to wipe tears away. "Oh, oh gosh, I hurt."

"I don't see what's so funny," Fandral said, wounded.

"Trust me, Fandral," the human told him, "give it some time, and you will."

"Need a hand out of the man pile?" Darcy asked.

"I wouldn't refuse it."

Darcy giggled and pulled the human out of the closet. "I tried to find the library, but nobody around here seems to know where it is. I figured you could get me there."

"Yes, Loki goes there frequently for research," the human said. They immediately proceeded to the hallway. Darcy burst out laughing again, and the human did as well.

"We have a _library?_" Fandral said wonderingly.

"Apparently so," Volstagg replied.

The trio scrambled out of the closet and rushed over to the door, peeking out at the departing humans. Fandral sighed. "So close," he sighed.

"Next time, Fandral," Volstagg comforted him. "One of these days you will make a successful match."

Fandral shook his head. "I just don't know why it doesn't ever _work_," he said despairingly.

"Found your book?" the human asked. It glanced over at the sizable stack on a reading table. "Or should I say _last_ book?"

"Uh-huh," Darcy said, teetering as she dragged a large tome from a high shelf. "That's to both, by the way." She hopped down triumphantly and set the final book on top of her stack. "So," she asked, "are Fandral and Volstagg always such matchmakers?"

"I haven't taken much notice of them before," the human admitted. "But from what I can tell this is simply expansion on old natures. Fandral is a charmer and Volstagg is tender; together they are irrepressible."

"I noticed." Darcy started to giggle again. "What _idiots._ But that was probably the best thing that has happened to me this entire visit."

"Yes, it was a good laugh, wasn't it?"

"You know," Darcy remarked thoughtfully, "we could have fun with this."

A grin started to appear on the human's face. "We could," it agreed.

Darcy picked up her stack of books and the human stole some off the top. They exchanged looks. "Nah," they decided.

**xxxxiii.**

Loki came into his rooms and found the human sitting out on the balcony, gazing over Asgard with the most melancholy of expressions. It sighed.

"What's your problem?" Loki queried disinterestedly, setting his bag of supplies down on a table and double-checking that everything was there.

"I have such longing, Loki," the human said mournfully. "A fair maiden of Midgard I love, but alas! We can never be together."

Loki blinked. "What."

"Aye, 'tis true!" the human cried. "I love the Lady Darcy, I wither every moment I am away from her! She—" It snorted loudly, curling into itself as it started laughing. Wary, Loki started to slowly back out of the room. "Oh, hang it all, I knew I wouldn't get far!"

"But you were doing so good!" a voice exclaimed from behind Loki, and he whirled around to face Darcy. "I know we said we weren't going to do it, but his _face!_"

"Oh, I—ah." The human couldn't articulate anymore, giggling as it wiped tears from its eyes. "We—heehee!—really are the most terrible creatures, Darcy. I have never felt like such a fool, but to seriously alarm the God of Mischief? That is a worthy reward."

Loki sighed, hiding his face behind his hand. "I hate you."

"You bought it!" the human crowed. "For half a split second, you bought it!"

Loki scowled at them. "A hoax. You were attempting to pull a hoax, on me."

"A jolly good hoax, though," the human said, uncurling out of its ball of giggles to look over at Loki and Darcy. "Absolutely retarded, but jolly good!"

Loki shook his head. "Your humanity is turning you on your head," he told the human.

"Gee, figured that all out on your own, did you?"

Loki casually threw a frying pan at it. The dish clanged loudly off the human's head, and it only continued to chortle. The Asgardian rolled his eyes in exasperation and stalked out of the room as both of the humans giggled away.

Outside Loki dropped his scowl and chuckled, shaking his head. "You really did stop for a second there, Loki," he said to himself. "You're losing your touch." He went off, musing on a trick to one-up the duo. Perhaps something to do with…

**xxxxiv.**

"Darcy tells me that she tazed Thor when they first met," the human startled Jane as it unexpectedly dropped in. "I suppose that's where Loki got the idea." It chuckled. "Oh well, at least he didn't electrocute himself this time."

"Does that happen often?" Jane asked.

The human laughed. "Loki has… a lot of mishaps in his attempts to kill me."

"How can you be so okay with that?" Jane demanded. "Anyone else would be trying to get away—as fast as they could!"

"Did Thor not explain to you?" the human queried.

"He did, but I still don't understand."

"I see," the human said. It rubbed its fingers together thoughtfully. "It's a strange day when the folk come to me for answers." It sat down next to Jane, looking apprehensively at the pool she dabbled her feet in, and folded its legs up in a crisscross position. "First of all, Jane, I am in no danger," it told her.

Jane looked back over at it in puzzlement. "You're not?"

The human shook his head. "Not in the slightest."

"But… he's trying to kill you." Jane stared at the human disbelievingly. "Are you saying you _can't_ be killed?"

"No, of course not," the human scoffed. "I can die just as well as any other creature, it's just that for me it's particularly difficult. There's only two ways for me to die, actually. Maybe three. But if one takes into consideration the way Loki is approaching this whole thing, I have nothing to worry about."

"How can you be so sure?" Jane asked.

"I can't," the human replied simply. "But I'm not going to waste my time fretting about it. The way I see it, I've got at least a decade until Loki figures it out, if he does at all."

"So what do you do in a decade?" Jane asked.

The human shrugged. "Don't know. I'll figure it out as I go along."

Jane shook her head. "You are the craziest cat I've ever met."

"But not the craziest one you ever _will_ meet," the human promised her. "Because there's still my littermates." It made a face. "Now _those_ are the crazy ones."

"I didn't know you had siblings," Jane said.

"Eh, about a dozen or so," the human said offhandedly. "Nuisances, the whole lot." It paused, looking over at the open gate into the garden, nostrils flaring. "Is that…? Ah!" It quickly stood up and Jane realized she was sad to see it go. "Farewell, Dr. Foster," the human said briefly, bowing slightly.

"See ya," Jane replied.

The human bounced out of the garden, and just beyond the hedge it yelled, "Hey, Loki! Is that a slingshot? Oh, goody! I've missed the slingshot!"

Good lord. With such an outrageously cheerful tone, it was no wonder Loki was such a cranky guy.

**xxxxv.**

Loki left his bedroom, penning a few last notes into his book, and stopped, staring curiously. The human was sprawled across Loki's couch, limbs cast about at random as its chest slowly rose and fell. Ordinarily Loki would have been vexed by the human's peaceful state, but at this time he couldn't help but be intrigued. While Loki was a natural-born shapechanger, he had never turned a shape upon someone else. He was impressed with the results.

It was fascinating to see a cat's features translated onto a human form. Hints of green whiskers along the jaw line, perked ears, slightly shorter fingers and longer legs. Slanted eyes and more prominent canines. The movements were different as well. Smoother, gliding rather than walking from place to place. It had surprised Loki how quickly the cat had mastered human motor functions.

Loki shook his head sharply, irritated with himself. He was killing the cat, not studying it!

As though picking up on Loki's disturbed mood, the human stirred into wakefulness. "Good morning, Loki," it yawned, stretching luxuriously. It easily removed itself from the couch and casually placed the knife Loki had just thrown at it back into Loki's hand. "Really, Frost Midget?"

Loki scowled. "Worth a try," he muttered. "And stop calling me that, you know I hate it."

The human shrugged good-naturedly. "Give it time, it'll grow on you. Come on, Asgardian, let's go get some breakfast."

**xxxxvi.**

Loki froze outside his door when he heard the human's and Darcy's voices coming from behind it. He had absolutely no desire to be caught between their unusual banter full of hidden meanings (Loki was determined that this whole cross-species-allies mess was _not_ his fault), but he wasn't going to be kept out of his own rooms either.

He decided it would be best to wait and listen before deciding upon his entry. Besides, he might get some blackmail material.

"Why would I be interested in a television program about _wolves?_" the human asked scornfully. "Adolescent wolves, no less!"

"Oh, come on, Danny, it's got your nicknamesake in it," Darcy said persuasively. "Plus, it's a funny show. You'll like it. If you come visit sometime, I can show you."

"Loki's not allowed to leave Asgard," the human started.

Oh no. They were _not_ allowed to talk about Loki. The Trickster opened the door with a bang, coat whirling around him for emphasis. The human and Darcy didn't even look up. They were sitting next to each other on Loki's couch, a table dragged over with Darcy's laptop set on top of it. Darcy lifted a hand in a minor acknowledgment of Loki's arrival. "Hey, Loki."

Loki stood there for a long, awkward moment, painfully aware that his powerful entrance had been completely wasted. "Hey." Quietly he closed the door behind him, and looked at the backs of the human and Darcy's heads for a long moment.

"Darcy wishes to convince me to watch what on Midgard they call 'television shows,'" the human explained briefly. "I, personally, think that there are better things to do with the evening. Any ideas, Loki?"

"I am not participating in your mayhem," Loki said flatly.

Darcy exchanged surprised looks with the human. "Wouldn't have expected the God of Mischief to turn down a chance to stir things up," she said.

"Eh, he's more a stick in the mud than anything else," the human said dismissively. "Now, perhaps we could go out riding. I haven't done that yet and it seems to be something humans enjoy—"

"Boring," Darcy said instantly. "I still say we should stay here and watch at least the pilot episode. I'm telling you, Danny, you'll like it."

"Dinner's in a short while, we can always do a duel."

Darcy and the human slowly turned. "Loki," the human said, "are you _participating?_"

Loki froze. "No." He grinned. "Yes. I must say it has been far too long since I was in a good act. And though an amateur, the cat is a decent sparring partner—both physically and verbally."

"Verbally I tend to crush you, though," the human said.

"Oh, shut it, cat," Loki said dismissively. "But, why should I join you?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow. "I can't stand the either of you, so for what reason would I come alongside you?"

"Well, why not?" Darcy responded. "You guys should totally have a dinner duel again, it was awesome the last time you did it."

"We should try jumping tables through it all," the human suggested. "Or start at opposite ends of the hallway."

"Yes! Then we have an epic collision in the middle of the room!" Darcy said excitedly.

Loki shook his head in amusement. "You know, if I didn't hate the two of you so much, I'd like you."

"That really means a lot, Loki," the human said sarcastically.

"Those should be your opening lines," Darcy told them.

**xxxxvii.**

"Smells like cooking oil," the human remarked, leaning over the edge. Loki pulled it back and continued looping rope around it.

"That's because it is," Loki replied.

"Planning to eat me, Loki?"

"Yuck, no." Loki made a disgusted face. "You would taste appalling."

"Sorry." The human shrugged. "Comes with being a carnivore." It paused. "Hey, Frost Midget, how long have we been at this now? It's been nine months, hasn't it?"

"Approximately, yes," Loki confirmed. The human noted he didn't complain about his nickname this time. "A little over, in fact."

"Gee." The human sounded impressed. "Hardly feels like any time at all. And at the same time plenty of it."

"We're both veritably immortal, so it wouldn't make sense to feel like much time at all," Loki pointed out. He finished tying the rope and pushed the human along as they both ascended a flight of stairs. "I mean, _I'm_ veritably immortal."

"But so much can happen in a day," the human said.

Loki paused, thinking of something. "Yes, indeed." They reached their destination and he looped a hook through the harness. He nodded at his handiwork. "Right, burning oil, here we go."

"Looks like fun," the human commented, glancing down at the vat.

"You can tell me from the afterlife," Loki said, and pushed the human off the edge. It fell a good twenty feet before finally splashing into the basin, disappearing almost immediately underneath the burning oil. Loki clapped his hands in glee, thinking that maybe at last he had gotten somewhere.

The human bobbed up a few minutes later, having wriggled out of its ropes, and directed a look of displeasure upon Loki. "Eugh, this oil is clammy!"

"Yeah, about that," Loki said. "It's going to take you hours to get off."

The human scowled. "Of course it is."

**xxxxviii.**

"So, what are we doing today, Loki?" the human asked, whipping a towel over its head to dispose of extra droplets. It hadn't been too thrilled to learn that regular exposures to water came with being human and clean.

"This," Loki said, lightly shaking a bag in his hand. It made a grating, jumbling noise and the human quickly concluded it was full of rocks.

"Isn't that the bag you brought in a few days ago?" the human queried, coming over to look at it curiously.

Loki batted its damp hand away. "Get your shirt on," he ordered, and with an irritated shrug the human went off. "And yes, it is the bag I brought in when you and Darcy decided to be lovers for the minute."

The human chuckled. "Good times."

"Yes, well, all good times come to an end," Loki said, sounding quite philosophical. He regarded the bag thoughtfully. The human disappeared around the corner to get its shirt, and Loki poured the contents of the bag onto the counter. Carefully he spread the rune-carved stones apart and arranged them. Singling out the ones he needed, he put the rest away.

A few chanted words and the deed was done. At least, Loki hoped so.

A terrific yowl resounded from the other room and the cat launched into the room, springing into Loki's chest and holding its location by puncturing its claws through the front of Loki's tunic. _"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthan kyouthankyouthankyouthankyou THANKYOU!"_ it exclaimed, purring wildly.

Loki's face contorted into an expression of pain. "You're welcome," he grunted. "Now, if you would be so kind as to remove your claws?"

The cat happily detached from Loki's chest and wound circles around Loki's legs, still purring ecstatically and uttering profuse thanks. Loki stared down at it incredulously, not sure if he should be deeply touched or downright alarmed. He was leaning more toward the downright alarmed side of things.

What _was_ this display of affection?

_"Okay, that's enough adoration,"_ the cat decided, sliding off Loki's ankles and padding for the door. _"I'm going to get some fish."_

Loki nodded. That was more like it.


	10. Autumn

**Chapter X - Autumn**

**_Author's notes:_**_ fun fact—sometimes when I'm writing 'the cat' my brain gets ahead of itself and I end up writing 'that' instead. Now you know!_

_Deepest apologies for taking so long to update, and alas! I cannot promise they will return to their old frequency; in fact, quite the opposite. NaNoWriMo (look it up if it's new to you) starts within the hour. and I'll be busy busy pounding away at my keyboard. I'll try to get up a chapter or two during November, but I'll really be playing things by ear._

**_Warnings:_**_ if anyone's been reading this far, I'm pretty sure warnings aren't even necessary anymore. Oy, I have a strange sense of humor for certain._

* * *

**xxxxix.**

"Loki," Thor called as he poked his head into the room. He knocked on the doorsill and Loki looked up. "Jane and Darcy are leaving," Thor explained. "I thought perhaps you could come with me to see them off?"

"Why would I do that?" Loki asked. "They're your guests, Thor, not mine."

"Yes, but," Thor pleaded. "For politeness' sake?"

Loki sighed and closed his book. "Very well," he said grudgingly.

**.**

"Come visit sometime," Jane invited.

"I will," Thor promised. They smiled at each other and kissed. And kissed. And continued to do so. Loki stood in the background, thinking to himself _well, this is awkward._ The cat sat in front of Loki, just out of range of his boot, tail curled neatly around its green-pelted paws. Darcy approached and said hello.

"I see you're a cat again," she said to the cat.

_"And much the happier for it,"_ the cat replied in no uncertain terms. _"With all due respect to you, Darcy, human bodies are big and clumsy and not nearly light enough."_

Darcy knelt down and smiled at the cat. "I bet you're happy to be back, huh?"

The cat looked over at Loki with a deeply approving expression. _"You should turn Darcy into a cat, Loki,"_ it suggested. _"She'd be a perfect fit."_

"No," Loki said flatly. "That is something I will not give a moment of consideration to."

Darcy laughed. "Nah, Danny, I don't think I'd make such a great cat."

_"Don't underestimate yourse—"_ the cat's head whipped around. _"Wait, how did you know I said that?"_

Darcy chuckled and tapped the cat's nose. "Surprised? Don't be, Danny; we've been hanging out for a week, and plus, I grew up with cats."

_"I can tell,"_ the cat said. Loki thought that he could see genuine respect in the cat's eyes. But surely something like the cat couldn't have respect for anyone. _"They've certainly left their mark on you, Darcy."_ It looked back up at Loki. _"She should come here more often. Invite her, Loki."_

"Not even," Loki said indignantly.

_"Don't forget I know where a live eel patch is to be found, Asgardian,"_ the cat said warningly.

Gah, those eels. Loki hated them. He really needed to see if there were any eel exterminators on Asgard. Loki cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders. "You should come visit sometime," he said smoothly.

Darcy shot the cat an amused smile as she stood and looked up at Loki. "I would love to know what he just threatened you with to get you to say that, but you're never going to tell me," she said. "Sure, I'll drop by sometime."

_"Yes,"_ the cat hissed victoriously.

Darcy glanced over to where Thor and Jane were still saying their goodbyes (aka kissing) and everyone else waited with varying degrees of impatience.

"I probably should get going," she said. "End this whole long-goodbye ordeal for everyone." She directed a parting smile at the cat. "Take care, Danny. Make sure this guy doesn't find out about the Deadly Dooms." She sauntered off.

"The Deadly Dooms?" Loki repeated, confused. Darcy rejoined Jane and regretfully pulled her away from her lover by the time he realized. "You told her how you die!" he exclaimed, staring at the cat in shock. "You told _Darcy!_"

_"Yes, what of it?"_

"I can't believe you told her and not me," Loki said, wounded.

_"No offense, Frost Midget, but she's not the one trying to kill me."_

"Still, considering we've known each other for more than nine months now, it's somewhat crass to—" Loki stopped. "You acknowledge that you _can_ die," he said, hit with a second revelation within seconds.

_"There's two ways,"_ the cat said casually. _"Maybe three."_

"Ha! So you admit that even you are not immortal!" Loki said triumphantly.

_"I've never claimed that I shan't meet Death,"_ the cat said calmly. _"Only that it will take me somewhat longer than others to get there."_ It stood to all four of its legs and meowed a high note. _"Goodbye, Darcy!"_

Darcy looked over and waved. "See ya, Danny!"

The Bifrost ignited and took Jane and Darcy back to their homeworld. Thor sighed heavily and turned away, likely vowing to himself that he would see his dearest again soon. The handful of others drifted out of the observatory, but of course Heimdall remained at his post by the observatory's door. Odin stayed behind with him to talk, probably reminisce, while the others journeyed back to the palace.

The cat stopped at one point and to Loki's bewilderment began to prance around on the Bifrost. "What are you _doing?_" he demanded as the cat sprang about.

_"I just realized,"_ the cat said, _"the lights change as you land on them. It's extraordinary!"_

Loki shook his head in exasperation and continued on.

_"Simple pleasures, Loki,"_ the cat called after him. _"They're the best in life!"_

**l. (omg! 50!)**

After Darcy and Jane's departure, it was time for dinner. Thor, of course, picked at his food with a forlorn expression, missing Jane already. Volstagg and Fandral sorrowfully mentioned something about 'no more chick flicks,' whatever that meant. Frigga and Odin seemed just as perfect and removed as ever, neither relieved that the Midgardians were gone nor grieved by their absence. Loki had always wondered how they could remain so neutral.

Loki picked at his food, too, lost in thought. The cat, sitting up on the table with a bowl of fish (and stealing from Loki's plate whenever he wasn't looking), soon remarked on it. _"You know, Loki, one would think _you_ were the one missing a lover."_ It paused. _"Although, if by 'missing' one meant 'lacking,' that would be rather accurate."_

"Lovers are ridiculous notions of sentiment," Loki said disdainfully. Thor started violently down the table, and then realized Loki was talking to the cat. Still, he shot his brother a deeply disapproving frown.

_"If you say so,"_ the cat shrugged. _"Personally, I believe a woman would fix a lot of your problems. Your general disagreeableness, for one."_

"That is not a problem," Loki replied. The cat snorted, and reached a paw up to its face when the bit of fish it had been eating shot up the wrong tube.

_"Judging by the piece of fish lodged in my sinuses, I am highly in doubt of that statement,"_ the cat said. Its face contorted and it made some rather unhealthy noises whilst it tried to get the fish to where it belonged, in the cat's stomach. Loki grimaced and covered his ears, teeth gritting.

Fandral watched the exchange with some amusement. "Looks like another dinner duel is in the air," he remarked. His face turned sad. "Oh wait, you can't do those anymore."

_"Oh yes, we can't," _the cat remembered. _"Shame. It was always such a pleasure to attack you with a carrot stick." _It released one last unholy hacking. _"There, got it."_

Loki rolled his eyes. "I'm seriously considering turning you back into a human just so I _can_ beat you in a dinner duel."

_"Oh, come on, Loki, you've made the best decision. I'm happier, you're slightly less aggravated, and everyone else is back to wondering what on Asgard we're talking about."_

Loki nodded, noting the vaguely bewildered expressions around the table—particularly Fandral, Volstagg, and Thor. "Good point."

The cat smirked. _"Personally, that's always been a favorite of mine,"_ it admitted.

Loki grinned, some long-lost mischief dancing in his eyes. "Yes," he agreed, "mine, too."

Dinner went on for ages, as it always did on Asgard. The cat several times tried to strike up conversation with people before remembering that they couldn't hear it anymore. Eventually it settled on terrorizing the servants, which Loki approved of (though of course he would never say that he approved of anything the cat did). Then its demeanor changed toward the end of the evening, and the servants immediately forgot their distrust of Loki's cat. Loki was irritated by the fact that if he did the same thing, he would instantly be held in doubt.

It had to be a cat thing.

Loki excused himself from the banquet hall early, as he always did, and the cat hopped down and trotted after, meowing a farewell to the feasters. Loki told himself that he had stayed much later than he ought to, yawning at least a dozen times before reaching his quarters. The cat was no better, frequently shaking its head to clear the growing fog.

The cat started to make its way to the couch. "You don't have to sleep there anymore," Loki reminded it. "You can fit in your bed now."

_"Oh, that's right,"_ the cat said, yawning. _"I keep forgetting."_ It slowly made its way over to its bed-box and flopped down, burrowing under the blanket and curling into a little ball, as only a cat could.

Loki dragged himself over to his bed and nose-dived into the blankets. He told himself he really ought to get up and change into his pajamas. But he was tired and really didn't want to move.

_"So nice to have a tail again,"_ the cat mumbled contentedly, and soon both of them had fallen fast asleep.

**li.**

"Hmm," said Loki. His brow furrowed and he frowned as he tapped the information before him.

_"Does this relate to you stabbing me with a needle earlier today?"_ the cat inquired, hopping up on the desk. Loki shoved it off.

"Yes," he said. "The results are proving to be quite curious. Every cell in your tiny cat body is bursting with magic, but that simply isn't logical."

_"Did you just use magic and logical in the same sentence?"_ the cat asked in amusement. _"Because, last I checked, sorcery isn't supposed to make sense."_

"There is a way things are, cat, certain rules that do not change," Loki argued. "With the amount of magical power you apparently possess, there isn't a way it shouldn't manifest itself or I shouldn't be able to detect it." He looked down and tapped the table again. "Unless somehow this is what keeps you alive."

_"Score for deductive skills, to Loki,"_ the cat said dryly. _"You figured that out all on your own. I'm impressed."_

Loki frowned at it. "You've already confirmed that there are at least three ways to kill you," he said. "You even told Ms. Lewis what they were. It is only a matter of time before I learn what they are."

_"And then I'm off to play chess with the Reaper,"_ the cat said uncaringly. _"Clearly I'm terrified by the prospect."_

**lii.**

Loki stepped into the bathroom and started when he saw the cat sitting on the counter, making hideous faces in the mirror. "What are you doing?" he asked incredulously.

_"Can't you tell?"_ the cat responded. _"I'm checking my teeth; good expressions go entirely to waste when there are bits of food stuck between one's teeth."_

"Yes, but," Loki said, "you never used to come into my bathroom and stare at your teeth. You didn't care." Loki's eyebrows rose. "You picked that up when you were human," he realized, and understood finally that while the stint as a human had lasted for only a week, the mannerisms the cat had picked up would likely last for years. Loki groaned and ground his forehead into his fist. Why, _why_ hadn't he taken the time to think of these kind of things?

_"Oh, by the way,"_ the cat told Loki as it hopped down from the counter and left the bathroom, _"you're out of toothpaste."_

"You don't even need toothpaste!" Loki shouted after it. The cat indifferently went on. What Loki had said wasn't necessarily true; the cat did have terrible, fishy breath but that didn't by any means suggest that Loki was willing to share his toothpaste with it. Loki shared his toothpaste with no one.

**liii.**

Loki released an indignant eep of surprise when he awoke to find the cat curled on the foot of his bed. _"It's cold,"_ it said.

"We've been through this," Loki said flatly.

_"No, I mean colder than usual. I really don't know why you thought putting my bed on the balcony was a good idea, it was only going to lead to this."_

"Bah, it's not half as cold as you complain it to be," Loki said derisively.

_"Well, you go out on the balcony, then."_

"I will," Loki retorted. He quickly hopped out of bed and the moment his foot came in contact with the balcony he slipped on a sheet of ice. "Cold!" he cried in shock.

_"Told you!"_ the cat exclaimed.

**liv.**

_"Somebody's been visiting the smithy lately,"_ the cat observed, viewing the pointy-ended weapons spread across Loki's quarters. _"Or just snuck in and emptied the whole thing out."_ It considered a row of shining needles. _"Are you planning to kill me with acupuncture?"_

"No, just puncture," Loki replied. He regarded the knife he was sharpening. "And possibly sever."

_"Ah, off with my head, I see,"_ the cat nodded. _"This should have interesting results."_

"Oh, I'm sure it will," Loki grinned. He was very happy to be back to business as usual.

**lv.**

_"Where are you going?"_ the cat inquired as Loki slipped a coat over his shoulders.

"Out for a walk," Loki replied.

_"Bit cold for that, isn't it?"_

"Which is precisely why I'm going out," Loki returned. "Less stupid people to deal with." He pulled on a pair of black gloves to go with his green overcoat and grabbed a scarf, which he wound around his neck. He then neatly tucked his trousers' legs into his boots and left the room. Only somewhat interested, the cat followed after.

Loki's walk took him outside of the palace and to the lower slopes of a mountain within an hour. The cat for unknown reasons had stayed with him, amusing itself by chasing after whatever little creatures caught its eye, sometimes including small children. Loki hoped a hawk would come and carry the little feline away.

The cat stopped walking and looked up, its expression something like awe. _"So this is what it looks like up close,"_ it said.

"What?" Loki glanced over at it questioningly.

_"Autumn,"_ the cat replied. _"It's usually quite distant. I never knew the trees were so big. And colorful."_ Its fur bristled as a northern wind swept through, claws digging slightly into the earth. Loki tucked his chilling nose (oh _please_ don't let it be turning blue!) into his scarf. The wind sent the leaves blustering along, and in a gesture of typical cattiness, the cat pounced upon the largest one it could reach. It purred in amusement, released the leaf, and chased after, pouncing on it again.

Loki moved along at a more sedate pace. Autumn was indeed colorful; in fact it was Thor's favorite season because of all the reds. Loki loved it because it was a precursor to his own favorite season, winter. Ironic, wasn't it. Sometimes Loki's Jotun traits were so obvious that he was exasperated with himself for not realizing it before.

_"Well, I must say I rather like autumn!"_ the cat exclaimed happily. As though to scoff at its cheery sentiment, the heavens opened up and sent down torrents of freezing rain.

Loki gasped in shock and hugged himself in a vain attempt to keep warm. He glared at the cat, which had yowled in surprise and bolted for the nearest tree, vainly seeking shelter. "Oh, you had to say it," he growled, and the cat shivered as its fur soaked through. Though it wouldn't ever die from the pneumonia, wet and cold were its two miseries and right now it was suffering both of them.

Loki picked up the wretched creature and carried it over to a coniferous tree, underneath which he and the cat both huddled as they waited for the storm to ease. Lightning started flashing, and Loki could tell it was the natural kind.

_"Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be a good idea to get away from trees right now?"_ the cat asked.

"You're not wrong," Loki replied. "It'll just take us two hours to get back home."

_"Two hours running through the rain,"_ the cat groaned. _"Or innumerable hours sitting here and _then_ two more running through the rain. Neither is appealing, but I think the choice is obvious."_

"Obvious, indeed," Loki agreed. "Let's go." He ducked out from under the tree and started running, the cat sprinting alongside him. The two eventually reached the palace, fur and clothes respectively holding enough water to overflow a dam. They stood shivering inside the much warmer palace and began to slosh their way back to their rooms, but an unexpected Frigga appeared.

"Oh, Loki, I was so worried!" she exclaimed. "I knew that you had gone out for a walk, and when the rain started…"

"I can handle a little water, Moth—Frigga," Loki replied, swiping a dripping hand across his face.

"A little?" Frigga repeated. "Loki, you are a walking lagoon. And your poor cat is no better."

_"Yes, don't forget his 'poor cat',"_ the cat said.

"Come along, son," Frigga said, ignoring Loki's indignant huff. "There's a warm fire, and I've set out a fresh change of clothes for you and some towels for the cat."

"_Mother_—Frigga, I'm fine," Loki whined, trying to pull away.

Frigga smiled humorously, and for a moment one could see where Loki got his mischief from. "There's hot chocolate," she said persuasively.

Loki let out a reluctant grumble. "Fine," he muttered, and allowed himself to be led along by Frigga, the cat sloshing behind.


	11. Holidays for a Frost Midget and Cat

_**Author's notes:** man oh man oh man, where did the time go? Have something festive to start off your 2013! :-D_

* * *

**lvi.**

Loki looked up from the book he was reading (_Midgard and its Peculiarities_) and frowned. "Cat, why are you on my head?"

_"I don't know, I feel as if we're returning from a long absence and it's been a while since I've aggravated you."_ The cat's tail somehow swung far enough around to tickle Loki's nose.

The Asgardian frowned. "You're certainly making up for lost time," he remarked dryly. He looked over at the blizzard spinning around his balcony, appearing as a manic dance. "When did winter reach us?" he mused. "How quickly the festive time goes."

_"Festive?"_ the cat echoed.

Thor came in, bouncing eagerly. "Brother!" he boomed. "Jane has invited us to join her and her friends for Christmas!" Still beaming, he added, "I have no idea what that means, but it sounds magnificent."

_"Your brother's as mind-numbingly cheerful as a dog,"_ the cat noted.

"I've been living with him for a thousand years, you think I don't already know that?" Loki muttered, turning another page of his book and paying Thor no mind.

"Do you know anything of Christmas, Loki?' Thor asked. "I know it is important to Jane, and so…"

"Midgardian winter solstice celebration," Loki replied. "Usually celebrated in the company of family and close friends. It is traditional to decorate a coniferous tree, roast a goose, and present each other gifts."

"Very much like a yearly celebration," Thor observed. "Except it is for everyone!"

Loki nodded and turned another page. The cat stuck a paw in his eye. Loki frowned.

"It sounds wonderful," Thor said happily. "And Jane has invited the entire family—"

Thor found himself invisibly shoved from the room, Loki glowering at him. "I said the forbidden word, didn't I," Thor realized.

The door slammed shut. Thor sighed.

The cat nicked at Loki's nose absently. _"That'll be all of them away,"_ it said. _"Thor, Frigga and Odin, Sif and the Warriors Three… and then there's us, sitting on heads and reading books while a global party is being carried out."_

"Well, not much point in us going, is there?" Loki returned. "A family celebration requires _family_. Besides, I've better things to do with my time than wasting it on sentimental festivities."

_"Aye, like sitting here reading about them."_

Loki snapped his book shut and scowled. A quiet knock sounded on his door, and Loki barked an irate admittance. Thor poked his head around the corner, joined by Frigga and Odin.

"Loki," Thor said tentatively. "We want you to come with us, to Jane's."

"Now that is hardly true," Loki answered sardonically. "I have no place in a family activity."

He started when the cat slapped him in the face, claws extended. _"Stop putting so much effort into being a Scrooge, Loki,"_ it reprimanded him. _"It failed him in the end, too."_

Loki scowled again and grabbed the cat by the scruff, flinging it away. "I have no interest in such a foolish holiday," he snarled vehemently.

"I'm making my special pudding," Frigga offered. Loki loved her pudding and she knew it.

But a fit of stubbornness had taken hold of Loki, and he shook his head. "No. No, no, no, I have no care for this ridiculous Midgardian tradition!"

_"Bah, humbug,"_ the cat added dryly.

"Now, out!" Loki commanded, and with an angry spell thrust his not-family out the door. There was no attempt to return. No intimidating HUARGH from Odin. Loki sighed, his shoulders slumping. "Hang it all, I've done it again," he said regretfully.

_"You really should speak to a therapist about your problem with compulsive unfriendliness,"_ the cat advised.

"I don't need a therapist," Loki said indignantly.

The cat snorted. _"Sure you don't, and I'm Hati the Moon-chaser."_

Loki sank back down in his chair, staring ahead glumly.

_"Well, at least you've got me," _the cat said helpfully. It had reclaimed its position on top of Loki's head. _"The one creature you've been trying with all your might to slay."_

Now it was Loki's turn to snort. "Yes, that makes up for everything," he said sarcastically. He shrugged, trying to convince himself it didn't matter all that much. "I don't deserve to partake in such happy occasions, anyway."

He sprang backward in shock, the cat calmly clinging to his skull, when Thor burst into the room, Loki's door shattering beneath Mjolnir's impact.

"Thor—!"

"I don't care if you want it or not, brother, you are coming with us!" Thor declared. He promptly slung his squawking little brother over his shoulder and started carrying him out of the room.

"Alright, fine!" Loki snapped. "Just put me down, Thor, I must change into something more suitable."

"Bifrost, ten minutes," Thor said. He pointed at Loki and lifted his brows. "Be there."

"Yes, yes, I will," Loki replied grouchily. "Now go away."

Thor left and Loki went into his massive wardrobe.

_"That grin could rival Hati's, whenever he does catch up with that moon,"_ the cat remarked.

"Shut up, cat," Loki said, his smile never fading.

**lvii.**

Loki looked over at Thor and Jane and made a disgusted face. "Repulsive."

_"Vexing your sense of hygiene, eh, Frost Midget?"_ the cat quipped. It appeared to be quite comfortable with the perch it had claimed atop the (eleventh) Christmas turkey. Fandral reached for a roasted leg and had his fingers batted away. He and the cat leveled looks at each other.

"It's such a clingy, sentimental obsession," Loki complained. His eyebrows bounced. "Literally clingy. What is it about a piece of vegetation hanging in a doorway that invokes this mayhem?" He slid a suspicious look over at Darcy. "And why have you been following me around with a similar plant all day?"

Darcy shrugged. "I may or may not have a bet with one of my coworkers."

_"A bet? Ooh, let's hear it,"_ the cat said eagerly. It hissed at Fandral, who recoiled and then directed a grin at the cat.

Darcy looked over at Loki. "No, he can't hear it," she said.

The cat craned its neck forward. _"Well, then."_

Darcy leaned over and whispered into its ear. Loki pouted. "I hate it when you two share secrets."

_"It'd help if you weren't such a stick in the mud,"_ the cat pointed out. Loki stuck out his tongue. _"Attractive, Frost Midget."_

Fandral was watching the looks passing between Loki and the cat with glee. "Dinner duel?" he asked hopefully.

**1viii.**

"Okay everybody, time for the presents!" Jane called. The group moved from the tables to the family room, wherein a massive tree concealed gifts within and underneath its boughs.

"You first, Jane," Thor said generously. He searched for one with her name and brought it to her. Jane pulled back the carefully folded wrapping paper and gasped.

"Thor, this is exactly—how did you know?" Jane laughed and hugged Thor. "Thank you!"

"Uh, I did not…"

"Oh. My. Gosh." Darcy stared at the book in her hands. "This is—I've been searching for this book for years! First edition, pristine condition, been out of print for more than twenty years… Who is this from?"

"I believe this is what you Midgardians refer to as a Secret Santa," Loki said.

"No kidding!" Darcy exclaimed. "Whoever found this is _good!_" She shot a suspicious look at Jane.

The gifts continued, bearing wonderful sentimentality (Thor lit brighter than Asgard when Jane gave him a massive box of Poptarts), and each and every of the Secret Santa's being terribly accurate.

Fandral found the last one, addressed to himself. "A new coat of mail?" he questioned in surprise. "Why would I be given this?"

Loki held up the coat and thrust a spear of ice towards it. The spear shattered. "That's why," he said.

Silence. "It was you," Thor whispered in amazement.

Fandral's eyes filled with tears and he leaped up to seize Loki in a hug. "Thank you, Loki," he said emotionally. "If anyone dares slander your name after this, I shall fight them to the death!"

"That's very noble of you, Fandral," Loki replied. "Now stop touching me."

Fandral nodded and stepped away, picking up his gift and setting it with the moustache care kit from Darcy.

_"Well, that was touching,"_ the cat remarked.

"Fandral was nearly killed by a Frost Giant," Loki explained. "Don't look at me like that, it wasn't my fault."

"Hey Danny, there's one left for you," Darcy said. She crawled partway under to pull out a small green box labeled _cat_ in neat penmanship.

_"Now this is an interesting turn of events,"_ the cat said. It hooked its claws over the lid and pulled it off. _"A box full of fish bones for me to choke on."_ The cat blinked up at Loki. _"You really are the sweetest."_

"Oh, that's just a bit of fun, really," Loki chuckled. "The real trick was conjuring up thirteen turkeys. The bow ties and such made it especially difficult."

"Bow ties?" Darcy stared at the cat. "You introduced him to Doctor Who?"

_"How could I not?" _the cat replied. _"And why else do you think I claimed the _eleventh_ turkey?"_

"The Christmas episode aired a week ago, I've already got it pirated," Darcy said. "Wanna go watch?"

"Seems fair to me," Loki answered. The three of them disappeared into the deeper sections of the house.

Jane looked over at Thor. "You know, if all three of them start getting along, they'll become a real trio of terror," she said.

"Perhaps introducing them to each other wasn't the best idea, after all," Thor agreed.

**lix.**

Dr. Selvig and Odin had disappeared at some point. Neither Thor nor Jane knew where they had gone or what they were doing, but Frigga and Volstagg wore expressions of equal knowingness. When Frigga also vanished from the group, Volstagg caught himself grinning and quickly focused on his boar.

Occasional howls could be heard from where Loki, Darcy, and the cat had retreated to. The first few times Thor had gone dashing down the hall to see if his brother was alright, but Loki would irritably push him out of the room while Darcy called, "We're okay, Thor, it's just feelings."

"Just feelings?" Thor blinked at Loki. "Loki, are you crying?"

"No," Loki said indignantly. "Now go away!"

_"Terrible things are happening in fiction, and that's far more interesting."_

Thor was booted out, and he rejoined Jane. They sat on the couch and quietly conversed, gazing into each other's eyes. Before Jane, Thor had never been so gentle.

The Warriors Three and Sif engaged in an enthusiastic game of _Sorry_, in which they were not apologetic at all. Various duels and scuffles broke out. Fandral, despite being four hundred years younger and nearly half his opponent's size, persisted in attempting to tackle Volstagg. It was a game that had gone on between them for nearly as long as they had known each other; and the chokeholds and punches were entirely out of a spirit of fun.

Odin, Frigga, and Selvig returned sometime later, all regarding each other with respect and behaving much more at ease. Fandral promptly sat up straight (no, of course he wasn't rolling all over the floor like a fifty-year-old), but Odin cracked a grin. He glanced over at Frigga.

"Remember that?" he asked.

"You and your father, and the time your silly wrestling broke one of the great statues?" Frigga responded. "It is somewhat difficult to forget. You were four thousand at the time, if I recall correctly."

Thor burst out laughing. "You destroyed a great statue?"

Odin chuckled. "They were good times."

He and Frigga sat down on the other couch, she curling into the place in his side that would always be there for her. He kissed her on the forehead and they watched the fire.

"It's only too bad that it's not actually Christmas day," Jane said regretfully.

"That's alright," Volstagg assured her. "It is the feasting season, and a day."

"So well enough!" Fandral added perkily.

Jane giggled. Then she frowned. "I'm so sorry I couldn't think of presents for all of you," she apologized.

"Jane, you invited us to your home," Thor said.

"Selvig's," Jane corrected him.

"Selvig's home, which may as well be yours, for you are a daughter to him," Thor replied. "You have extended the most gracious hospitality, invited us to partake of a yearly feast that is dear to you, and made us most welcome indeed. That is gift aplenty for all of us."

The Asgardians all nodded. Even Loki, who had returned with Darcy and the cat. No, he had _not_ been crying. Loki _never_ cried, no sir.

"You said also that this marks the beginning of another Midgardian year," Sif said.

"In most parts, yes," Jane confirmed.

"What sort of traditions come with this?" Loki inquired.

"Well, the most common—and failed—one is year's resolutions," Darcy told him. "You know, "This year I resolve to be a better such-and-such, to be kinder, less evil, eat more, whatever. It can be ridiculous or inspirational, but it's always intended toward changing yourself."

"That sounds sufficiently Midgardian," Loki sniffed. "I am already perfect."

The cat snorted. _"Perfect? Haha, Loki, I'm already choking on one of the fish bones you gave me."_

Loki grinned. "Glad you're liking the present so much already," he said.

**lx.**

Midnight was fast approaching. Darcy glanced out her window and frowned. "No snow on Christmas, no snow on New Year's," she muttered. "That ain't right."

"Thor had to use Mjolnir to push through the snowdrifts on our way to the Bifrost," Loki told the woman as he stepped alongside, staring out at the night. He found the Midgardian tradition of colorful lighting of houses to be rather charming.

"I'd love some of that!" Darcy exclaimed. She shrugged. "But oh well, what can you do?"

The cat pricked Loki's ankle with its claws. _"A-HEM,"_ it grunted pointedly. Loki shot it an irritated glare of _alright, fine_.

"No snow?" he asked Darcy, looking back out the window again. "Are you sure?"

Darcy turned around and her mouth dropped open. Snow was falling from the sky, slowly at first and then in thick white clusters. "Snow!" she shrieked. "How—?"

Loki shrugged. "Frost Giant sorcerer," he replied. "It has its perks."

"SNOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

**lxi.**

Somehow Loki and Thor had caught on that fireworks were part of beckoning in the new year and adamantly refused to watch them on the television. "You deserve a _true_ spectacle, and I shall not stand by and permit you to not have it," Loki said determinedly.

The cat smirked in approval. _"This is going to be good."_

"Oh, yes it is, cat. Thor, I'm going to need your hammer…"

.

Needless to say, fireworks would never be the same.


End file.
